corey feldman circle jerk

I watched Splatter

And now I don't know who I am anymore

A stereotypical goth rocker played by the king Corey Feldman (WHAT?!) named Johnny Splatter shoots himself in the head. At this funeral he gathers his "friends" and then threatens them all in a video he left behind. Instantly they get locked into his house where the cell phones are jammed and they all start dying one by one.

Now, I actually love the shit out of Corey Feldman. So much so that I even watched his reality tv series he had with Corey Haim (RIP); The Two Coreys. Like, every episode. So if i'd have paid attention enough I would've totally watched this short years go.

NEVER FORGET ~~

There's not much on this short on the internet that I can find. It looks it was made in 2009 and billed as a TV series. So I'm assuming the running time of 27 minutes is the combined episodes into one.

Here's a description of what it originally was:

"Splatter has an audience participation element to it as viewers are able to vote after each episode and determine which characters will get the proverbial, and literal, axe."

Now that sounds actually kind of awesome? And I wish I could find out how it all went down back in the day.

But now I've watched it - lets break it down:

The first death is the man who put Johnny into an aslyum? and gave him shock therapy? and then wrote a book about it? He goes into a phone booth? and gets electrecuted while everyone watches. Who has a working phone booth in their house? Not that it's working obviously.

Rocker chick kicks over the casket in anger and SHOCK AND AWE there's no body. Only a mysterious book with African writing on it which some random blonde chick groupie can read. The book is filled with voodo spells and curses.

"What does the book say?"
"Well I'm not fluent" *reads entire book*

Rocker chick storms off. Discovers Johnny as some sort of zombie? demon? voodoo creature? He's rotting and falling apart and manically laughing. Turns out rocker chick stole his song!!!!!!!! This guy needs better friends. So Johnny slits her throat and then makes her sing the song she stole while she bleeds to death which really?

Everyone watches Rocker Chick die on camera and yet no one seems too surprised or scared.

"Gotta get going now. blowing my brains out. on a tight schedule" 

This movie has great cheese-tastic one liners.

Johnny bates the blonde groupie to come upstairs, learning nothing, she goes to check it out. Johnny rips out her heart, tit for tat and what not.
Somehow it's still beating in his hand? Are hearts like chickens when you cut their heads off?

The second to last victim is Johnny's drummer who looks like a 90's rip off of Joel Mchale.  He proceeds to steal Johnny's guitar and play it but in doing so somehow manages to burst his own ear drums and die.

"Killer solo duuuude"

Tony Todd plays his agent? Manager? - he also plays the creepy guy in final destination that just rolls around telling everyone they're going to die.

So Todd has figured out how to kill Johnny based on the African death book? And so he finds a bath tub filled with the dead bodies of the others as one does when searching through a friends' house. He chops off a hand, a nose maybe, an ear, a finger (even though he already has a hand...just saying...lots of extra work there) puts them in a bag, mixes with his own blood, shakes and bakes it, then burns it. I'm so far gone at this point I'm convinced this is all a dream.

Johnny comes racing in and freaks out cause homeboy is just burning body parts like bro that will stink up this house.

Then they make a deal to send Johnny to Europe where he can recover from...being a zombie? then make a comeback.
"I'm dead"
"You ever see the stones live?"
Rocker chick comes back to life because that's where we're at now in the story.

Then Johnny grabs Todd's character by the throat
"5% commission, not 10"

and it ends.
And i cried.

But seriously

Look at these heart throbs