Silent Retreat - when a movie gets destroyed by its ending

SILENT RETREAT 2013

"To respect the process we keep things as quiet as possible."

A woman is sent to a small camp to serve out her punishment instead of jail. The camp is run by three men and holds five women at a time. The rules are very clear - no talking, no phones, no reading, no writing, no eye contact, and no touching. She is simply to sit and meditate and to serve out her sentence.

But something is off about this camp, and there's an unusual amount of fear surrounding something that lives in the woods. And how long exactly have these other women been here?

Overall?

Ohhhhh boy. This movie was rough.

Directed by Tricia Lee, Silent Retreat started out fine, I was buying what it was selling, but it took a turn and I was left there mouth agape not sure whether to laugh or cry in anger.

Let's talk about the beginning - it's an interesting story where our lead Janey arrives at this strange camp and encounters the Doctor who gives off a major creepy culty vibe. The other four girls basically ignore her at first while Janey adjusts to her new situation. But soon Janey starts noticing things are wrong. One of the girls speaks out loud and starts throwing food around and then she disappears for awhile. She turns up again like she's been brainwashed. Then another girl, Alexis, reaches out to Janey and that's when things get interesting.

The two girls quickly bond, buying time to talk to each other without getting caught and we learn more about them. We learn the reasons they're in this situation is actually not their fault, both were events they shouldn't have been punished for. We also learn that Janey watched her whole family perish in a car accident.

Then things start to take a turn. Janey and Alexis try to escape a few times and we start seeing little bits and pieces of what's in the woods. It remains slightly spooky but you can already tell the effects are pretty bad so you're hoping they never actually reveal the monster.

But they do.

And soon the girls discover that this camp is made to turn women into stepford style wives. They're hypnotized to become complacent and to only want to be a good wife and mother. Then the three men who run the camp sell the girls off to the highest bidder. But Alexis is being groomed for one of the men at the camp. And while she thinks she's only been at this camp for three weeks, turns out she's been there like two whole years but has no memory of it. This is all fun stuff!

Then the monster properly shows up and the movie completely falls flat. There's all this weird stuff about how the monster is trying to protect its' baby and the camp is somehow infringing on this situation. We also find out the monster is blind and reacts to sound, much like the creatures in the descent. And quite frankly, this creature basically looks like a total rip off of the descent.

Janey only properly defeats the monster by screaming in its' face.

Like two full minutes of her just screaming.

I mean....look...I get what they're trying to say here. I get the message. But good lord was this awful.

Which is a shame because the first half was plausible, but once the creature gets involved things very quickly fall into shambles. I don't even see the point of the creature. The fact that these women are stuck at this creepy ass camp being brainwashed into perfect wives is good enough for me. I don't ALSO need a weird territorial creature in the woods.

What did I love?

• I loved Janey and Alexis. They were really great characters and had thick backstory and were appropriately emotional and realistic. They were a joy to watch. Janey was played by Chelsea Jenish and Alexis was played by Sofia Banzhaf.
• The Doctor, played by Robert Nolan was also incredibly well done. He was so incredibly creepy. And while he never actually touched the girls, he came off so perverted.
• As I said, I enjoyed the beginning and most of the middle but the end can suck my dick.
• I loved the camp, it was spooky and the little cabins they stayed in were super cute.

What didn't I love?

• Obviously the monster - descent rip off realness. And absolutely no point of it being there.
• The movie got suuuuuper cheesey at some points where it became almost unwatchable.
• The directing of this movie felt a little off. There were some scenes that were so drawn out you just wanted to yell CUT! and move the fuck on.

Recommendation?

I do not recommend this unless you're looking for a bit of campy, non scary fun to watch with your friends.

I'm going to give it a 4/10 because I did really love the beginning but that makes the ending that much worse.

Also....check out my article over at Addicted to Horror Movies where I rank the top 5 modern alien movies, click here

Stay spooky!

S&Man and why I hate this film so much

S&Man 2006

"I have a feeling real murder would never itself be that satisfying, you'd have to commit it yourself, that's the end point, not just watch it."

This is a mokumetary style film directed by J.T. Petty that surrounds a group of mock snuff film fans, actors, and academics that speak about and explore the violent trends in modern horror. The main focuses of the film are Debbie D, a scream queen who is enthusiastic about her work but seems quite tight lipped about going much deeper on the 'why' of the need for these movies. There's also Bill Zebub, a drunk who's known for his film Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist and is absolutely a pervert. We also follow Fred Vogel who likes to play the killer in films and is also most likely a pervert. And finally there is Eric Rost - the star and creator behind the S&Man series, pronounced Sandman.

On the academic side we listen a lot to Carol Clover who penned the book "Men, Women, and Chainsaws" and speaks quite frankly about gender politics in horror and the shift in horror movies over the years. The narrator also sits down with two people who study sexual deviance.

Mostly though this documentary settles on Eric Rost. At first the host speaks about wanting to track down his old neighborhood peeping tom who was caught filming everyone in the neighborhood. Once the neighborhood realized they would have to play the films in court, the charges were suddenly dropped and the peeping tom went free. But the pervert wouldn't agree to be in the film, so the narrator focuses on Eric. Eric's movies are him stalking one woman at a time and then killing them in remote locations. And at first you think he's just another mock snuff lover, trying to sell his videos but soon you realize he's up to something. When the narrator tries to meet with some of the actresses from the S&Man films, Eric keeps evading him. And the way he refers to himself and his movies is unsettling.

Look....I hated this film. I hated everyone in it, it made my uncomfortable and I had to watch Casper afterwords to get my sanity back. Why does the narrator just give up on the actresses? If he truly believed the obvious, that Eric is really killing these women, why doesn't he do more? It seems unrealistic and sticks out like a sore thumb in this "realistic" documentary.  They also touch on a lot in the movie that if someone were to see a real snuff film, would it have the same impact as a horror film? And then we see Eric's films and of course they are unconvincing and boring. But...we get it? Snuff is awful and it freaks me out that it exists. But this mockumentary isn't a snuff film. These are actors being "killed." So the point they're trying to drive home is completely pointless. It's like they want you to go OMG IVE NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT. But yet everyone knows that. Snuff films are fucked up, mock snuff films are fucked up, and quite honestly - most people who seek out this stuff...are fucked up.

 I will admit that with the interviews and scenes with the directors and actresses - you do lose the line of what is real and what is staged. So you do absorb a lot of what they're trying to get across. But, again, this seems like an obvious point being made.

Regardless,
I hated this movie. I don't know why ya'll recommended it to me so much? Maybe back when it came out it had a Blair Witch thing happen and perhaps people thought it was all real? And maybe it's fond memories or something. But I'm over here in 2017 like....no thank you. 

Boring, cringey, uncomfortable.

0/10

Stay Spooky!

The Disappointments Room - horror movie realness day two

THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM 2016

Dana, David and their young son Lucas have moved into their new home in the countryside. It's a big, rundown manor but Dana is excited to work on it and turn it into something special. Dana and her family have a troubled past due to the death of their second child. One night when Dana can't sleep she stumbles upon a secret room in her house with no key and that isn't on the floor plans. Luckily the key is hidden in the door frame and Dana gets inside only to be locked in and terrorized by spirits.

Now Dana must battle inside her own home to keep her family safe, who don't believe any of this is really happening, thinking she is having another mental breakdown.

But what was kept in this tiny hidden room? And who is that old man with his black dog she keeps seeing on the property?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• I loved the stay at home dad with the working mom aesthetic and I loved the shop lady get turned the fuck down about this situation.
• The house was beautiful and I'm honestly annoyed that I don't live in a giant decrepit mansion yet. 
• The kid and the Dad singing Gilbert and Sullivan gave me major flashbacks to my childhood, me and my Dad did the same thing! Amazing!

What didn't I love?

• Pretty much everything else. 
• Who was Ben? Why was he even there? Was he even real? What the fuck happened to him? Why was he such a dick?  

Overall

This is a hot mess. It's choppy and boring and a stereotype of itself. By the third act I was completely lost and couldn't keep track of what was happening. Scenes were cutting so quickly and showing nothing of importance, characters went missing, and there was absolutely no payoff or logic.

Garbage.

BUT....as always with terrible horror movies, I end up learning some cool facts...so lets talk about the real story behind The Disappointments Room:

This movie is based on real events slightly....a real room was discovered in a home in Rhode Island which had been built in 1857. Laurie Dumas was the owner and discovered the strange room in her attic. Apparently it was true that back in the day disappointment rooms were a thing for wealthy families who had reputations to maintain. This house was originally owned by Job Smith Carpenter who was a Judge and his wife Frances Ellen Carpenter.

(the real room)

When Laurie found out what this room was she did some digging into history and found a cemetery database that included a small plot in the Woodland Cemetery where the Judge and his family were buried. Alongside their graves was one for a young girl named Ruth who was the Judge's daughter. She was born in 1895 and died in 1900. Looking through old newspapers, Laurie tried to find some more info on Ruth but although there were many articles about her parents, she was never mentioned except for a small note of her death. It's believed that the Judge kept his young girl in this locked room due to a disability.

The real disappointments room was made out of wood with a metal floor and a drain. The door only had a knob on the outside as well as a deadbolt.

Spooky shit ya'll.

But also way more interesting than the movie I just watched.

4/10

Day 8 - Black Water - October Horror Movie Challenge

BLACK WATER (2007)

 

Three cheeky monkeys sitting in a tree, teasing Mister Crocodile 'You can't catch me!' Along came Mister Crocodile quiet as can be and...SNAP SNAP SNAP...

(There will be major spoilers so skip if you don't want to be spoiled)

Christmas is over and sisters Grace and Lee are headed off with Grace's boyfriend, Adam, on a two week vacation together. There first stop is a crocodile park where we learn that there are a tone of saltwater crocodiles living in Australia and now that there's more humans than ever, it's running into a bit of a problem. But parks like this one keep them in their habitat and make it safe to interact with them.

That night Grace discovers she's pregnant but holds off on telling Adam until the time is right. Lee figures it out right away though. The next day they're headed to do some fishing on the river with a guided tour through Backwater Barrys but they've just missed the last tour. Luckily Jim, an employee, is around and offers to take them out. The group set out onto the river and find a great spot to set up shop and start fishing. Lee notices Jim carrying a gun and questions him about it. He says its just company policy to work against crocodiles but not to worry since the crocodile parks have basically got them all now.

But there's one croc who's still swimming out in the open and this one knocks over their boat, throwing the four of them into the water. Jim is immediately taken by the croc, leaving the rest to scramble up into a tree. But now they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere with an upside down boat just out of a reach and a hungry crocodile circling them. "Someone will come looking for us." "Who Grace? Who? No one saw us leave, no one knows we're here."

Alright...so what did I love about this movie?

• Honestly not a whole lot...it was sort of angering me the whole way through and my attention waned quite a bit.
• I liked Grace near the end, at the beginning she sort of drove me nuts based on the decisions she would make. I really liked Adam, who seemed like the only one with his head on his shoulders...until the croc bit it off.
• They used real crocodiles in the making of this film which is pretty bad ass. I don't think I could've acted with those bad boys swimming around. Terrifying shit.

What I didn't love?

• The stupid decisions!!!!!!!!!! The whole time I was just screaming at them to get the fucking boat. Grace was all hell bent on climbing through the trees for some reason and Lee had a complete breakdown. Adam was the only one who was like...lets just flip the boat over and get out of here. And honestly, if they had listened to him right away...I'm sure that plan would've worked. But instead they wait hours and hours and then Adam finally gets in the water and the croc kills him. Probably cause he was starving. They should've just jumped into the boat right away - end of story.
• Lee was hysterical to the point of annoyance. When Grace was screaming at her I blessed her for her patience because I would've been screaming at Lee way earlier.
• It didn't feel scary because of the environment. I'm sure in real life of course it would be scary but as a viewer of a horror film it was a bit silly. The water comes up to their waist and the fucking boat was right there. It's hard to feel scared about that. And the fact that they were on a river with basically land all around...I mean...

Overall?

I didn't love this. I will give it credit though because I got curious and learned a tone about saltwater crocodiles during the movie.

Black Water is based off of "true events"...this case being a story about two teenagers who got stuck up a tree in a flooded river while a crocodile circled the bottom of the tree after killing their friend. If anything I would say "inspired by true events" not based off of.

The movie is pretty impressive for a first timer....it's a tough location to shoot for I'm guessing. The entire film was in a tree in a river filled with crocodiles so mad props to the directors of this film - David Nerlich and Andrew Traucki.

So what did I learn about saltwater crocodiles? Well honestly I didn't even think they ate people. I thought it'd be more of a shark situation but turns out saltwater crocs are pretty viscous and will hunt and eat humans. Most attacks are territorial and there are some areas in Australia where its best to just completely avoid because saltwater crocs will eat the fuck out of you. It's also incredibly hard to survive an attack because they're such powerhouses. They are the largest extant terrestrial and riparian predators in the world! Males range from 11 feet to 18 feet long and on average weigh up to 1,150 pounds. These motherfuckers can take down deer, kangaroos and water buffalo!!

I'll give this movie a low score, but a high score on education! I have a new fear and respect for the saltwater crocodile and will never be stepping foot in a river again.

5/10

Stay spooky!

Day 4 - Cell - October Horror Movie Challenge

CELL (2016)

They're like birds, they're acting like a flock of birds...

(There will be major spoilers so skip if you don't want to be spoiled)

Ohhhhhh boyyyyyy...alright.

So Cell is about a crazy event that happens one day to everyone using a cell phone. Something sends a pulse through the phone and turns the person using it into a crazy violent zombie like person. Except when you die, you stay dead. Clay, a comic book artist, is speaking to his wife (they're separated due to him being a typical male and having a mid life crisis and leaving) in the airport when his cell phone dies. Which is lucky for him. Because soon after everyone goes ape shit.

He runs down into the train stations only to run into a few survivors like him, he teams up with a train driver named Tom and the two of them leave among the chaos and get to Clay's apartment. That's when they meet Alice, a young girl who lives in the same building. She's just had to kill her mother and takes solace with Clay and Tom. Clay really wants to go find his wife and kid and see if they survived, and Tom and Alice go with him.

Along the way they start to learn more about the zombie pulse thingies and when they come upon a school where the headmaster and a student, Jordan, welcome them in they learn even more. The monsters migrate like birds, and they flock together too. They're one hive mind. At night they sleep in big groups across the country and emit music from their open mouths. At the school a big group of them sleep in the football field and Clay and Tom decide to douse them in gasoline and light them on fire. They destroy a massive group. But as they head on they start having nightmares about a man in a red hoodie and they start to realize that maybe killing that giant flock was a bad idea, because the hive mind thinks as one, and a chunk of it has been destroyed. There's also the rumors of a town in Maine where there's no cell service and it's safe for the survivors. Or is it a trap?

Alright...so what did I love about this movie?

• Frankly, not much. It was an alright film to watch and I'm a sucker for John Cusack movies. Obviously I've read this book a few times, so it's really hard for me to compare them because this movie doesn't come close. But what have we learned over the years? Stephen King books usually make shit movies.
• I liked Alice a lot, she was very sweet and didn't get super hysterical and annoying.
• The depiction of the monsters was pretty cool, especially when they're all moving in sync.

What I didn't love?

• Mostly all of it.
• The opening scene in the book when everything falls apart is breathtaking but in the movie they confined it to an airport, taking a lot of the wind out of the sails. They also didn't show much of the world wide destruction.
• In the book the villain is called The Raggedy Man which is super spooky but in this movie they named him....President of the Internet. And no, I'm not trolling you. THE PRESIDENT OF THE INTERNET. I choked on my own spit when I heard it the first time. And speaking of the President of the Internet...he basically played no role in this movie. Which was sort of stupid.
• THAT ENDING...I MEAN...WTFFFFFFFF....to all those people who complained about the book ending...ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU? 

Overall?

Look...this movie wasn't awful, but it also wasn't great. There was so many mistakes made along the way. Stephen King wrote the screenplay and created the new ending based on the complaints from the fans. Who were not me. I would NEVER complain about Stephen King books. I owe that man my LIFE. Originally Eli Roth was going to write and direct the adaptation but backed out due to "creative differences" which kills me deep inside. Could you imagine a Stephen King book adapted by Eli Roth? I'm drooling. And it's not the antibiotics I'm on. But they might be why I'm yelling so much.

The film was completed a long time ago and in 2015 when people started pushing for the movie, Cusack and King said they'd basically been pushed out of it. Which shows you what capable hands were holding onto this film. That's sarcasm.

Basically this movie is alright. I'd be interested to hear from someone who hasn't read the book and see what their opinion was. I tried to watch it without comparing it to the book because that's not really fair but the worse it got, the easier it got to compare.

Maybe skip this one?

Love you King! Love you buddy! Keep doing you!
 
Man I'm having a rough week with movies. Not a good start to the challenge. Maybe it's all up from here?
3/10

Stay Spooky!

Most Likely to Die....OF BOREDOM...AYOOOOOOO

Hey guys!
October horror movie challenge is coming up quick and last night I finally scribbled together my game plan. It's subject to change because of so many reasons but at least I've got a basic outline now. I'm also busy planning this years' Halloween party at my job like I do every year...and this year we're doing Halloween Jeopardy!! Which I realized after I'd promised that, I actually had no idea how Jeopardy works. But I've got some time. We're also doing a costume competition for the first year ever. I can't believe October is next week. WHAT IS HAPPENING. But October also means I get to leave on my Hawaiian vacation (with my parents) and pretend I'm wealthy for two weeks (shout out to my parents for paying for this entire vacation) instead of pretending my cracked, infected tooth isn't such a big deal because I can't afford the dentist. HAHAHA....sobbing.

Also last night, my quest to get Mitch to like horror movies continued with me showing him The Purge: Anarchy. Obviously I'm a huge fan of the Purge franchise and can't wait to watch Election Year during the challenge. Mitch watched the original Purge with me last year and he enjoyed it a lot more so for the concept of the purge than for the film itself. But boy oh boy did he LOVE Anarchy. He even thanked me for showing it to him at the end which made me feel quite chuffed. Hopefully during this years' challenge he can find some more horror movies to love.

Anyway,
What I'm actually here to chat about is the steaming pile of garbage I just watched called Most Likely to Die. Luckily I was doing laundry while watching it, so it wasn't a total waste of my time.

Let's jump into it...

MOST LIKELY TO DIE (2015)

I saw the trailer for this awhile ago and I thought to myself it looks like someone trying to revive the 90's slasher trope. I was intrigued. Then I saw Perez Hilton was in it and was completely turned off by the whole thing. I get irritated with a lot of people but I rarely hate people. I HATE Perez Hilton. I had the unfortunate luxury to spend 4 weeks of my life watching him on Celebrity Big Brother for three hours a day and he is a TERRIBLE person. He is the definition of "vile".

But today while I was doing my laundry I thought, what the hell, maybe I'll give it a try. For all I know Perez is a great actor and I won't even be annoyed because he'll be a different character. I was wrong for thinking that. He is a terrible actor. He's an over-actor. And he basically just plays himself the whole time. There's a pretty important scene where his character reveals why he quit drinking and the tragic circumstances that led to it. It was delivered so badly and unemotionally, my dog could've done a better job.

Enough Perez bashing though because this film is filled with flaws.

First of all the premise is that a group of friends who were on the year book committee are reuniting the night before their 10-year high school reunion. They spend the first bit reminiscing on basically all the terrible things they did in high school including tormenting one particular guy, John. Then as the night goes on they start getting murdered one by one by someone dressed up in graduation garb and a mask that matches the scratched out, defaced senior picture of John in the yearbook, which was a prank the group pulled back in high school.

So what happened to this movie? It has all the trappings of a good slasher flick along with a great costumed killer, the likes of which we haven't seen in awhile. But there's too many characters which aren't introduced properly and you can't get close to any of them. The only character I liked was Gaby, played by Heather Morris, and that was only because she got the most screen time and I could actually keep track of who she was.

The actions of the characters made no sense. After the first murder they all start turning on each other immediately and keep accusing Ray, who I can't even keep track of who that is. And when Ray finally shows up at the end, I'd completely forgotten about him. In fact when writing this review I thought Ray was the name of the bullied kid, but I just re-watched the ending and turns out that kids name was John. 

The kills were basically non-existence and watered down. If the kills had been more slasher esq, I would've enjoyed this movie a lot more. The only kill that got me back to paying attention was when the killer whips his graduation cap at one of the characters and it slices her throat open. Not sure how that happens but it was a great watch. Other than that? Nothing.

Most Likely to Die was written in the 90's during the slasher hay day but was shelved until now. I think if this movie had been given some more love and attention it could've been a great romp. But it was handled badly and cheaply and now we're left with this mess. Not even the "twist" ending could redeem it.

Garbage. Don't waste your time. Now I feel like I need to watch another horror movie to cleanse my pallet. Good lord.

Alright,

I'll be minimal on here until the challenge starts in 6 days and then I'll be here every day until you're sick of me.

Stay spooky!

The Abandoned...and why you should abandon the ending of this film

Random movie choice....let's talk about it!

The Abandoned (2015)

Spoilers ahead because this movie made me angry...

You've been warned...

Alright, so The Abandoned suffers from a common horror trope of doing an amazing job and then giving up completely on the ending and causing the whole movie to fall apart. And I always feel so personally let down by this situation because I've invested my time into a movie and enjoyed myself watching it and then the ending hits and I'm sitting there with basically horror movie blue balls.

The Abandoned (also titled The Confines) came out in 2015 and is the directorial debut of Eytan Rockaway. It stars Louisa Krause as Julia, the main character who accepts a job as a night security guard at an abandoned apartment complex. Her co-worker, Dennis, is played by Jason Patric who is wheelchair bound and kind of a dick. The two start off butting heads quite quickly, Dennis annoyed because no one ever lasts in this night shift role.

Julia decides to go out and patrol the building and starts to hear and see things. She also discovers a locked room which Dennis tells her to forget about. BUT HOW COULD ANYONE?! Mysterious locked room in an abandoned building.....I want in!

A homeless man tries to get into the building to hide from the rain and Julia lets him in. She then breaks into the mysterious locked room and discovers some weird shit like child drawings and hospital beds. The homeless man follows her in and is quickly murdered by a ghost child. Julia goes back up to Dennis and the two of them research the building online finding a video that shows an investigative journalist uncovering the building they're in as an orphanage for the deformed and mentally-challenged children. The nurses and doctors treated the children terribly and abused them.

Side note; how many times has this been done before? God damn. It's based off of the real life expose of Willowbrook State School where Geraldo Rivera documented the tragic living facilities of thousands of children basically left to fend for themselves in a poorly run and understaffed institution. Rivera broadcast the expose and it shocked everyone. If you want to see this video, you can find it online, but watch with caution...it will shatter your heart into 1000 pieces and make you hate society.
It was also, of course, cleverly redone in American Horror Story; Asylum. But in the Abandoned it's more of an eye roll of course this is the story they chose moment. They even copied the original video. But again, not as well done as AHS accomplished it.

Anyway, in the movie, this is where Dennis discovers Julia is dependent on antipsychotic medication and his only reaction is to handcuff her......because...that's where we're at in the film. Dennis then goes down to the locked room and is taunted by the ghosts of the deformed children.

Julia goes down to rescue him and is lead by a ghost boy who shares with her the history of the place and how four children attempted to escape but were instead locked into a room containing a reservoir of disgusting water. When they got desperate they drank it and died all except one.

Look...anyway...ghost stuff happens, Julia almost dies, Dennis saves her and happily ever after right?

WRONG.

We are shown a hospital room where Julia is lying comatose and it is revealed that she is the daughter of Dennis Cooper who is sitting next to her bed in his wheelchair. We see some of the other characters from the movie as doctors or patients. You see....it turns out this was all a coma dreammmmm ~~~**~~~

It was literally all a fucking dream.

And I'm here to ask why?!

WHY

This movie was so much fun up until that last few minutes. It didn't need that little twisty turny garbage. It was a great, old fashioned, ghost movie set in an abandoned building. The scares were great, the ghosts were pretty terrifying actually, and the setting was creepy and perfect. The dynamic between Dennis and Julia was complex and interesting. Louisa Krause did a phenomenal job!
So...why...why would you bury your movie like this when it wasn't needed? Just end with Julia escaping and you've got yourself a great horror movie.

End it with "it was all a dream" and leave everyone watching annoyed.

And don't get me wrong, I love certain twists where it ends up that it was all a dream, or some sort of psychotic break. But I love it when it's done right. Like The Uninvited or Silent House.

I'm just pissed. It felt lazy and panicky.

But would I recommend it? Probably. The rest of the film was so great and pretty spooky. But maybe turn it off right before it ends and save yourself the disappointment.

(look...I'm watching horror movies again....hooray!)

Stay Spooky!

Man Vs. terrible CG effects

Guys, I watched a movie last night. I went in blindly. And it took a really bad left turn 3/4's of the way through and I was not prepared.
The movie I'm talking about...

MAN VS. 

Man Vs. is a Canadian horror film directed and co-written by Adam Massey who uses a nice mix of "found-footage" and regular format to twist a tale of a man stranded in the woods. Chris Diamantopoulos stars in the lead (and basically only) role in the film and does a tremendous job. I know him from playing the handsome sound guy in The Office. But he's also been in Arrested Development, Episodes, and About a Boy. 

Alright I'm just going to give you a run down of this film because I don't want to review it badly. I'm happy I watched it and I enjoyed most of it. So bare with me.

Obviously....spoilers.

I got so invested in the story because most of it is so well done and that makes the ending so much more of a let down. It follows Doug, a Bear Grylls rip off, who gets dropped off into the northern Ontario wilderness with some cameras and has to "fend for himself" for five days for his TV show. But during the first night he hears a loud bang and feels what he thinks is an earthquake and in the morning discovers what looks to be a crash path of something large. Immediately I'm like YASSS UFO!!!!!! Soon after there's a great scene where Doug approaches the lake where the crash path seems to end and there's tones of floating dead fish. A wolf appears on the other side but refuses to eat the fish, leaving Doug completely freaked out that there's something wrong with the water. It's harrowing.

As the days progress the satellite phone stops working, his traps are ransacked leaving Doug starving, and someone keeps fucking with his little chess set he plays with to keep himself occupied. Doug now realizes that whoever is fucking with him has to be a person, some backwoods psycho redneck, as he calls them. I'm sitting there like, oh sweet baby angel no...this is clearly aliens.

Running out of food, scared for his well being, Doug begins to hike to the drop off point where his TV crew should be picking him up soon. But along the way he discovers another camp site and there's this really intense scene where Doug goes to hide when he hears noises in the bushes and you realize he's inside a human trap. Like the traps he makes to capture rabbits...but human size!! I was straight up yelling DOUG GET OUTTA THE TRAP YOU FOOL.

When he reaches the drop off point he sets up his cameras all around him to capture whoever is doing this but when he wakes up he finds his cameras have all been tilted down. He loses it and starts screaming and throwing a tantrum. Then something just smacks him and blows him right into the lake. Scared the crap out of me, honestly. He comes out of the water bleeding out of every damn hole in his face and starts to run to base camp.

This is when things start to fall apart. You see, up until this point, our only glimpse of whatever is stalking Doug has been hidden. You see a few brief glimpses of a tall, human like figure that flash by. It works SO well. But then when they finally reveal what's stalking Doug....an alien...it all falls apart completely.

It's some damn awful CG alien/robot hybrid thing. It's awful...AWFUL. It instantly pulled me from the movie and the story which I was completely invested. And although the story held itself up, the alien/robot hybrid thing just ruined everything. What should've been a heart dropping ending turned into a 'is this over yet?' mess.

I'm super bummed.

Basically...Man Vs. is a slow, satisfying build with a scary feel and a shit ending destroyed purely by effects. Watch at your own risk, but give it a shot..purely for the first 45 minutes.

6/10

Hangman is a boring piece of garbage

Great news! Me and Mitch and the dogs have found somewhere to live! We move in April 1st so bare with me during the next three weeks while I purge anarchy my belongings, pack, move, and then unpack.

But! Tonight I found time to watch a movie I was excited for and it turned out to be a boring piece of garbage....let's talk about it!!

Hangman (2015)

The premise of this film intrigued me because I am absolutely terrified of home invasions. I thought it would be great like The Purge or The Strangers, or literally any other horror movie ever. Nope. It was terrible.

A family goes on vacation, and while on vacation a man breaks into their home and moves into their attic. He inserts cameras all over the house and fucks with everything. The family comes home and freaks out because they believe they've been broken into. Then the creeper monitors the family for weeks (or months idek) and comes out of his hidey hole to stalk the younger daughter as she goes on dates, to loom over the beds while they all sleep, and to spit in the orange juice container (??????).

The movie itself is boring. Like incredibly boring. You're just watching grainy footage of a family go about their day. The daughter fails math, the son has nightmares, and the couple have sex. Riveting. Even when the creep factor "ramps up" it's SO BORING. No jump scares, no violence, no creepy moments. Just boring, overused, horror tropes.

There's no clear story as to why this creep is invading their home. I mean, I got what they were trying to say, but it was murky and poorly written.

And there's so many damn plot holes!! Like how can you hear the people speaking inside their car when the camera is across the street? Has he secretly put mics on these people? At one point he steals an entire giant vase of flowers. The mother notices and then is over it immediately. If I noticed something in my house missing I would lose my damn mind. I lose my ipod and I'm convinced there's an intruder (turned out it had fallen down the heating vent). And how is no one noticing him? He's living in the attic and you can't hear that? He's moving around your bedroom at night and you can't hear that??!???! 

Bleh. This movie sucked. Don't watch it. I'm offended by how bad it is. I should've just watched Captain America Winter Solider for the 10000th.

0/10

I'm sad about how bad this movie is.

Stay spooky!

DAY FOURTEEN - Always Watching: A Marble Hornets Story (horror movie challenge - 31 days of horror)

DAY FOURTEEN – ALWAYS WATCHING: A MARBLE HORNETS STORY (2015)

Oh boy, this movie suckkkked. I kind of expected it though. Slender Man works only as an obscure internet scary story. I first watched the Marble Hornets videos when I was out of work, 20 years old, and living in a small town. It was super effective back then. I was absolutely terrified. In the past few years it seems Slender Man has really taken over and a lot more people are aware of his presence, most of the younger crowd completely overlooking the fact that he was created on a forum…not actually a real folk lore.

Last year two girls attempted to murder their friend in real life all in the name of Slender Man. They were 12 years old and stabbed their friend 19 times, leaving her for dead. The young victim was rescued and hospitalized and survived. The two girls committed this crime because they believed that Slender Man was real, and this was the best way to get his approval.

I know this is a marble hornets movie, BUT it didn’t feel the same. It felt too polished. I know that’s a stupid thing to complain about but it’s the reason I didn’t enjoy the film. The youtube series was so raw and scary, you never quite caught a long enough glimpse of Slender Man, just enough to scare you silly. You’d watch a 4 minute video of static just knowing that at some point Slender Man was going to show up. It was so intense. Slender Man in this film is just too cgi-ish. It doesn’t feel real.

Always Watching follows three characters who work for a news station and are investigating home closures in the area. In one home they discover a family has seemingly disappeared. After finding a box of tapes in the basement, they watch them to find that the family was being stalked by a tall, faceless man wearing a suit. But now this strange figure is stalking the three main characters and they must hit the road and out run him to survive.

Milo, the main character who controls the camera (this film is obviously found footage) and first discovers Slender Man, is awful. Just awful. He stalks the female main character, Sara (played by Alexandra Breckenridge who is in AHS season 1 and 3) because she turned him down when he asked her out. He straight up stalks her. He’s miserable, rude, and a dick. Sara is a pill popper addict and the other man, Charlie, is just empty space.

The story itself is pointless, mundane, and nothing new. It doesn’t explain who Slender Man is, why he’s stalking these families, how to stop him etc.

I’m just going to stick with my wonderful memories of watching the original Marble Hornets videos, hunched over my laptop, chain smoking in the dark, terrified.

The only fun part I had with this movie was spotting Slendy ~~ just like Waldo.

4/10

Guys, I need to show some restraint. There are so many great horror movie themed t-shirts/hoodies etc. coming out right now and I'm just blindly throwing my money at it all. I've got like 7 things coming in the mail. Why can't this great stuff be available all year 'round so I don't have to spend all of October obsessively checking my bank account.

As you guys know Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension comes out soon and they've been upping the game in advertising. The original Paranormal Activity house has gone up for sale, so the film makers decided to create an open house...

Amazing.
I would be devastated to realize it was all made up. When that mirror cracked I'd be handing over my cheque book like yes please I'll take it.
Read the full article here

Anyway, see you back here tomorrow for the start of "all-girl" movies!! Yeyyy!!! Girls!!!!

Stay Spooky!

DAY SEVEN - We Are Still Here (horror movie challenge - 31 days of horror)

We made it a whole week!!! Now three more to go....

DAY SEVEN - WE ARE STILL HERE (2015)

We Are Still Here is written and directed by Ted Geoghegan and stars scream queen Barbara Crampton and Andrew Sensenig. It tells the story of an older couple who have recently lost their son in a car accident. They decide to move to a new home, create new memories, and begin to move on with their lives. Unfortunately, the house they’ve chosen plays a part of a disturbing ritual of a small town, and the couple are at the center of it.

Man, I wanted to love this movie, but I really didn’t. I could barely get through it. And it’s not even something specific – it’s just….everything. The acting felt jumpy and awkward, even Barbara Crampton who I had high hopes for let me down. I mean, she was the best part of this film, but even she felt dragged down by the dialogue.

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Let’s break it down:

I loved the scenery – nothing better than a good New England ghost story. The house was gorgeous, the scenery was stunning, but did we need really long shots of bird houses swinging in trees to show it off? No.

The setting of the 70’s was great. I love horror movies when they’re set in the 60’s-70’s. The fashion is great, the old cars, the furniture. Everything was on point. But comments about women driving cars? Felt so forced. “We’re just reminding you this is the 70’s because we’re assuming you’re too dumb to figure it out”.

The ghosties themselves were okay. I preferred it when you could barely see them, just things moving in the darkness which they stuck to in the beginning. Much more creepy. The only part of the film I felt genuine fear was when the camera zoomed in on a family photo in a frame and then the ghosts face appears. That was beautifully done.

I enjoyed the gore. It was shockingly violent at the end and completely unexpected. There’s just blood exploding everywhere. I loved the stark contrast of this cold, wintery scenery and old, creepy house and then just dripping bright red blood everywhere.

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Everything else? I hated. The townsfolk were ridiculous. There were so many plot holes. Like, why did Dave shoot that young waitress? What on earth was the point of that? It felt like the story was trying very hard to come off like The Wickerman but failed. And in someone else’s hands with different actors, perhaps it could work well. But it just didn’t.

4/10

SOFIA'S REVIEW:

Well hello there! Quick intro, my name is Sofia, and I am a 16-year-old budding horror enthusiast. My lovely friend Charlotte asked me to join her on her 31 day challenge, and I undoubtedly agreed, despite the fact that I am a total wimp. Since I am an aspiring writer, you could imagine my excitement when she asked me to co-write on her blog for this wonderful spooky month. You can find me on my personal blog, www.memoirsofanerdgirl.wordpress.com , and join me on my adventure of my life! Now, onto the review!

I accidentally clicked a wrong link in finding this one and got 10 minutes into a movie about a rapper before realizing my fatal mistake. Damn you similar titles.

Our movie starts with an older couple moving into a new home. The wife, Anne, seems upset, eyes red rimmed like she's been crying. The husband, Paul, is the optimist of the two. The first scene of them in the new home is just creepy shots accompanied by creepy music, which really sets the mood.

We figure out they had a son, Bobby, who has passed away in a car accident, which triggered their move to the new house. Anne believes she feels Bobby's spirit in the house which upsets her even more.

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After two weeks of living in the house, they get a visit from their elderly neighbors, and talk about the house and its previous owners, as it used to be a funeral home. The old man at one point comments that "they were selling the bodies to the Orientals to turn them into chop suet", at which point both the husband and I snort and choke on our food. Him in shock and I in laughter. Nothing more pathetic than laughing your ass off at a horror movie and mumbling "oh shit" while alone in your house.

A handy man is hired to figure out the cause of smoke smell in the basement, and once left alone, is attacked by a monster and a screaming zombie looking lady, leaving with him bad burns. That's actually new to me, I find when monsters attack in horror movies they claw/gouge etc, not burn.

This movie was definitely rich on the jump scares, which I love. The demons were very unique, which is another rarity. Most of the time it’s just your same run of the mill beings. This movie also really brought on the blood and gore.

A couple of cheesy scenes, but I really enjoyed this move. 8/10

See you back here tomorrow for day eight!
Stay spooky!