First of all, I may or may not have watched this on youtube. One of the comments is from a young girl named Andrea who said, "I hope it does not exist!"
Oh Andrea, you sweet sweet baby angel cinnamon roll.
I really hope she watched this film and then went to tell her friends ALLLL about how there's this crazy underwater research facility that tests on sharks to cure Alhzheimers but ended up making a crazy giant killer shark instead.
Maybe she thinks it's found footage?
I haven't watched this movie since I was about 16? It actually really scared me the first few times.
We open up on a boat at night, a party is going on. I know this because women are in their bathing suits dancing seductively with men and there's pop music playing in the background. Movies taught me this is what parties are.
But something else wants to party and it is ....well it's a giant shark that bursts through the bottom of the boat, just wanting to make friends and sip some champagne. But instead he manages to toss everyone over board. Cue a dramatic rescue from a brooding blonde male. Who just happened to be in that exact spot of the ocean at the exact time.
Cue dramatic music. Newspaper headline reads "Test Shark Escapes".
Samuel L. Jackson is not impressed by this bad press. He has had it with these motherfucking sharks. But turns out these sharks are being tested on to cure Alzheimers and so it's obviously more important to do that than idk SAVE THE SHARKS. They are practically endangered SAMUEL.
He decides to go visit the underground lab that he funded for probably billions of dollars but has yet to visit? To determine if he should keep the place open. The broody blonde male is there, in a tank top and cargo shorts of course.
I mean, right from the get go this all seems like a really bad idea. A giant underwater lab in the middle of the ocean filled with sharks? But I guess this is why I'm not paid the big bucks to make sounds decisions like that.
We get our first glimpse of the big test shark and it's impressive. I would piss myself if I was standing there.
Like actually though, the more I look at this base...one good big wave could take out the upper layer. SO IMPRACTICAL.
We then meet the guy whose being blamed for letting out the test shark that attacked the party-goers. He swears he locked up just like every night and there's no way that shark could've got out. DOOOOOMMMM.
We now find out that the scientists are skipping test trials which sounds super safe. The female lead scientist has got a sordid and emotional history where her father had Alzheimers and now she's going to stop at nothing to stop this disease because motive and character development.
Oh yeah, LL Cool J is in this movie. He plays the chef whose best friend is a foul mouthed parrot who he seductively feeds icing to.
At a surprise birthday party thrown for the lady scientist the other scientists describe what they're trying to do there at the lab but I'm lost. Enlarging a sharks brain? Injections? Idk. And I'm not here to figure this out. But the party is about to be dampened because there's a giant storm headed their way. I mean, I warned ya'll about big waves.
Next the scientists show Samuel what they're up to, because like me, he has no fucking clue what's going on. Broody blonde, tank top wearing male is off to retrieve one of the test sharks using a tunnel system that is surrounded by metal fencing. But this shark can ram the metal and bend it because science. Broody blonde, tank top wearing male holds up his gun but the shark recognizes it and runs away...swims away. It then takes out the cameras. And the lights. Ya'll increased the brain size of this shark, I'm not sure why you're so shocked it got so smart.
Broody blonde, tank top wearing male still manages to shoot the shark and put it to sleep. He then brings it up to the laboratory. No one seems concerned that the power underwater and the cameras are out. Majestic music plays as the shark is lifted out of the water.
"What in gods creation...." Samuel mutters out loud.
It's a big fucking shark.
But now we know those sizes, though rare, do exist in the ocean, which is why I'm even watching this in the first place. Poor Andrea. She probably saw that giant great white shark footage and lost her shit, ITS THE SHARK FROM THE MOVIE! I TOLD YOU IT REALLY HAPPENED! WARN LL COOL J!
Lady scientist takes out blood or something from the shark's brain, says a bunch of sciency shit like "VITALS?".
I guess it worked or something because emotional music plays in the background as everyone gets super excited and yells things and congratulates each other. This made way more sense when I was 16. Lead male scientist lights up a celebratory smoke which I don't think is very safe in a lab environment. The sleeping shark agrees with me as it suddenly awakens and rips the scientist's arm off with the cigarette still clasped between his fingers.
Broody male jumps into action and attempts to shoot the super shark who was just trying to encourage everyone to quit smoking. Lady scientist releases the shark back into the water before he can kill it.
Homeboy's arm who got ripped off is still alive, medics are headed to the rescue in their helicopter. But surprise, there's a raging storm outside!!! Waves are crashing everywhere, the copter is lowering the hook which they now attach the stretcher to with homeboy's bloody stump bleeding everywhere. He could probably really use a cigarette right now.
The helicopter begins to bring up the body but the wire jams and instead they drop the body into the ocean. A bleeding human body. Naturally a shark is like cool, thanks, and grabs a hold. But the helicopter is still attached to the wire and the shark drags the copter into one of the buildings and it explodes.
What a fucking mess.
The shark then takes the body of the scientist and throws it at the laboratory window while everyone inside watches. Much like a mic drop. The glass begins to shatter where the body hits but no one seems to run? YOU'RE UNDER WATER. IF THE GLASS BREAKS YOU WILL DROWN.
The glass breaks.
Somehow they out run the water.
LL Cool J is still in the kitchen. There are leaks everywhere, water slowly seeping in.
Our team of survivors must now figure out a way to get out of this underwater lab despite water already seeping in everywhere. In one tunnel they see something trying to break in from the outside.
LL Cool J is just wandering around in the water trying to find his parrot and maybe a way out?
Samuel, who still hasn't caught on that the sharks are smart, is angry that the shark would try and break down a door. He turns on the lady scientist and accuses her of creating this. I say, Samuel, you funded this research project, take some blame. But turns out lady scientist was doing things behind the other scientists back and has indeed created a SUPER smart shark. Science things!!
Samuel inspires everyone with a pep talk as he's prone to do.
Cut back to LL Cool J who has now found a playboy to read while traipsing through the water. But SHOCK AND AWE there's a shark headed right for him. Even though these sharks are incredibly large. And the water only comes up to LL Cool J's chest. LOGICS. He's now trapped in what looks to be the kitchen with a shark and only an axe as a weapon. He gets to high ground as in the background a shark opens a door? But alas, his foul mouthed parrot has shown up. LL tries to save his parrot but a shark jumps out of the water, the chest deep water, and LL falls in. He locks himself inside an oven. But the shark manages to turn on the oven.
Even though its a shark. And the oven is under water.
But don't worry, LL hacks his way out of the oven with his fire axe and escapes out the top. He then lights a lighter and throws it at the shark and the oven and naturally it all explodes.
The group of survivors is still bickering and trying to figure out how to get out of the base. There's some sort of escape pod. But there's also an escape hatch that leads to the top. More bickering ensues. Samuel breaks it up with another inspiring speech but is rudely interrupted by a shark jumping out of the pool behind him and eating him.
The group panic and take the escape hatch. But at the top of the escape hatch is a roaring fire so they decide to get out at level one and "take the stairs"? Unfortunately, because things were going so well, the ladder breaks and falls back into the water where there's a convenient shark circling. One of the scientists that fell into the water is pulled under and eaten up real quick by the shark.
LL Cool J makes another appearance and this time he saves the remainder of the group, which is only three people.
Tune in for part two because this movie is a lot longer than I remembered and I'm gonna go watch Zodiac because the Zodiac killer has been on my mind lately, much like most serial killers are.
Never forget:
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