Vampires, Ghosts, and Bigfoot, Oh My!

What We Do In The Shadows

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What a complete pleasant surprise this movie was. I saw the trailer a few months ago and I fell in love instantly. Great actors, great writers, unique idea. Another amazing film out of New Zealand. It's a mockumentary style movie about modern day vampires. Straight up, this is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I was in stitches the entire time and texting Oprah all the best quotes...which was basically every quote. I know I will watch this movie over and over and recommend it to everyone.
Like, straight up, I can't stand vampires. There was just this ridiculous influx of vampires when I was in highschool and college and I got sick of them. Which sucked because I loved the Anne Rice novels and the movies, especially Queen of the Damned, but I couldn't bare to watch it anymore. Now it's zombies infiltrating everything and I'm starting to enjoy vampires again. So this movie came to me at a great time and is reigniting my vampire flame. (that sounds super erotic....)

Rating?
10 swearwolves out of 10 track pants

Housebound

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Another film from New Zealand and absolutely refreshing for the horror genre. An amazing and beautiful and tough as nails female lead, a mother character we can all relate to, and a number of hilarious and strange characters revolving through. The film also does an amazing job of never really letting you know where it's going. You think you've solved it and then a twist happens that basically breaks your ankle and you're just like NOOO WHATTTT. Loved every moment of it. Aggressively recommend it. Like...I can't find a single flaw? It could've been 5 hours long and I would've been happy. It gave me hella old school horror vibes.

Rating?
Just straight up 10/10

Willow Creek

A found footage Bigfoot movie. My body was so ready. And part of it delivered, but most of it didn't. Aside from a very tense and well done 20 minute scene in the tent at night, there wasn't much going on except a long winded tour of Willow Creek. Steve Streufert and Tommy Yamarone make cameos playing themselves and there's a weird amount of big foot music. BUT
...................all this movie did was leave me with 1000 unanswered questions.
Everyone online says the naked lady was a forest bride? When was forest bride mentioned? I got that she was the missing woman from the poster but FOREST BRIDE?! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?
And the guy guarding the film site telling them to go back? Who the fuck? If he was protecting the site then why does the town show off big foot if they want to keep it a secret? Was he protecting a pot field?
Why didn't the camera have night vision?
WHY WAS THAT SOCK IN THE TREE?
Why did they keep turning the light on and therefore attracting attention?
Why was I weirdly attracted to Steve Streufert in his scene?
WHO FOUND THE FOOTAGE?
Why am i ready to fall asleep at 8pm?
Why is Valentine's Day candy so expensive?
....

Rating?
5 suspicious town folk out of 10 forest brides?

V/H/S Viral

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The end to the epic trilogy! But honestly this one was basically a stand alone. And the in-between story was so dumb? I didn't get it? It was super confusing and in no way scary and I was more annoyed than anything when a story ended.
The stories though?
The first one was about a magician and his evil magic cloak. And ya'll know I luuuurve anything to do with magicians so this was right up my alley. The camera in this one was pretty awesome because it was documentary style mixed with interrogation room footage and "home videos".

The second was a man who's opened a portal to an alternate universe where he finds himself. They switch universes for just 15 minutes but a whole lot of shit goes down. Including monster vaginas and a porn soundtrack that I couldn't figure out where or why or how? This had the shaky cam effect though which drove me nuts near the end. Both guys carried camcorders the entire time.

The third was a bunch of kids filming a skate video and going to TJ to continue to film. They end up there during what appears to be the day of the dead festival and while skating they skate over a weird pentagram and shrine and shit happens. This one was pretty creepy image wise but I hated every single person in this video, I had no idea what was really happening between the kids, and why and how did these kids get across the border? ONE HAD A GUN?!
Anyway.
Not the best V/H/S by far, but a satisfying end to the trilogy.

Rating?
 7 waves of nausea due to 10 shaky cam moments

Watching Tusk, Annabelle, Ouija, and The Purge Anarchy

Welp I'm four movies into my list...LET'S TALK ABOUT THEM!

First up:

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TUSK

My main man Kevin Smith wrote and directed this hot mess of a film. I spoke about it quite a bit in the original post but now I've seen it so here's where I'm at;
The first...40 minutes? were perfect. That golden Kev Smith banter, those long winded but glorious conversations, gorgeous scenery, crazy attention to detail, and all around super fun. I loved every minute of it. Then Johnny Depp showed up and my bae lost me. I knew from the minute I heard the rumors that this was a terrible idea. Because as soon as Mr. Depp shows up it becomes a Johnny Depp film and caters to him. Johnny Depp only plays Johnny Depp in a costume nowadays and this is the same shit, different wig. Kev lost me as soon as this happened, he really did. I watched it all the way through and I'm sure I'll watch it again BUT I'm bummed.
And the movie itself is great, like I said, flawless script and exactly what I expected. The first 40 minutes I could watch over and over and over. But that one character choice....over it. (Super bummed knowing that character will back for Yoga Hosers....and I swear to GOD if he puts Johnny Depp in Moose Jaws, I quit [I won't quit, i love you Kevin, I will never quit you])
Would I recommend this to anyone? hell no. If you're a fan of Kevin Smith and a follower of smodcast, you've already seen this film. And if you are neither of those two previously listed things...this movie isn't for you. It's super niche. Don't worry about it.

Rating?

six walrus mating calls out of justin long's mustache

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ANNABELLE

Oh boy this movie was FUN! There weren't as many jump scares (barely any) as The Conjuring but the imagery that you're shown will stay with you a hella of a lot longer. I found myself going to bed that night (jk i watched it in bed, i'm a slob, but actually turning off the lights and going to sleep etc) and seeing certain moments in my mind and getting fuhreaked out. The story made sense mostly, it got a little confusing piecing the history together with the opening scene of The Conjuring but that might just be me. The imagery was stunning, the colors were so on point, and Annabelle managed to not cross that border into cheesy. It all felt so realistic. There's a scene where our main lady is hiding in an elevator and she keeps hitting the top floor and the elevator door will open but it's the basement every single time...OMG every time that door opened I was shitting myself. Loved the cult aspect a lot, I'm always complaining about the lack of good and scary cult movies (thank you for changing my life The Sacrament [and Red State baby!]). It also had a bit of a Rosemary's Baby vibe.
The husband was really weird? I was convinced even when the movie finished that husband was possessed the entire time. What a weirdo. He was so off. I mean he wasn't possessed, and there was nothing wrong with him, butttt...I'm suspicious.

Rating?

9 demonic possessions out of all knowing exorcism priests

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OUIJA

I mean...what do you wanna know about this movie? It's cliche. It's boring. It's frustratingly bad. It's filled with 25 year olds playing teenagers. I actually turned this off about 50 minutes in. And yeah, I made it that far, maybe I should've toughed it out but Netflix got Hoarders so....ya know...priorities.
The dialogue was useless, the premise was over done. And like...how many movies are we going to have where people just show up at insane asylums and talk to the victims? Do insane asylums let anyone in these days?
"yeah, hey, my house is hella haunted and one of your patients probably knows something about it, i don't know them and i'm not related to them, that cool?"
"yeah it's cool, come on in"
Come on guys. OH and the fucking kid goes to research who died in the house and within seconds he's like "here's an article from 1940 about the mysterious death of a little girl...this is who's haunting our house"
WHAT?! What kind of voodoo google is he using?
Whatever, I'm over it.

Rating?

0 trailers showing the scariest bits out of cliched back stories

And last but not least (I just finished it half an hour ago):

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THE PURGE: ANARCHY

Well this fucking movie blew all the others out of the water. Goddamn. This movie was SO GOOD. This one focuses way more on the class systems and the struggles of power between the classes and the government. And it's terrifying because you totally know if America ever put through a Purge, this is exactly what would go down. I loved having so many diverse characters (and not just a bunch of white people running around screaming), I loved all the takes on how different people in society purge. It had horrifying imagery, a few good jumps, but mostly it was just an edge of your seat thriller. AND OMG that ending. SUCH TENSION. MUCH EMOTION. I straight up cried. It was so satisfying and brilliant and I already want to watch it again. I love The Purge franchise and I can't wait for number three. And hey, maybe if they get a few more, it might replace Final Destination in my heart (but probably not).
Like I wanna talk about this movie so much but I can't form words about it. I just want to make a lot of hand motions and kind of grunt?

Rating?

10 gutter traps out of vigilantes

So yeah, good run so far except for Ouija which I will take to hell with me. Just making my way through the list and trying not to add too many more before I get confused. Enjoying horror movies again is giving me life. This last week and especially today has been just awful. That gypsy curse of mine is kicking back in lately and I think that's when I turn to horror movies the most. Because hey, my life may be shit, but at least I'm not being turned into a walrus, and at least the ghost in my house doesn't trap me in elevators. It could always be worse ~~

what i'm watching next (spoiler alert; it's horror movies)

This happens every year - I binge watch horror movies from July to October and then purge on TV shows for November and December. But here we are, new year, new month, and my incredible urge to constantly watch horror movies is back.

So here's the ones I'll be delving into for the next little while:

TUSK

From my beloved Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier comes perhaps the weirdest film of the year; Tusk. I remember listening to the podcast that sparked it all, walking to the grocery store and back one sunny afternoon and thinking fuck I hope he goes through with this. And here we are. If nothing else, Kevin Smith delivers. I've heard not so great things, and I've heard amazing things about this movie. But I know I will love it because Kevin Smith gets me on a spiritual level. MY BODY IS READY (to turn into a walrus).

OUIJA

I know this movie will be average. I feel it in my soul. When I watched the trailer it showed me the entire movie including all the scary parts. I fucking hate when horror movies do that. And it makes me worry the movie itself is lackluster and a waste of time. BUT I also have this itch that tells me it might be in the same kind of boat as Final Destination, as in teens getting murdered in gruesome ways with typical jump scares and a "clever" twist of an ending. And I'm one hell of a sucker for those types of films.

ANNABELLE 

I am so excited for this moooovieeeeee. I love everything and anything to do with the Warrens' and their cases. I absolutely adored The Conjuring and I've heard this film has the same type of beautiful imagery and subtle but terrifying scares. I want to be SCARED by Annabelle or at least enjoy the shit out of it.

JESSABELLE

All I remember about this movie is the main character is in a wheel chair, it's set in the Louisiana swamps (maybe?) and the mom dies leaving something for her daughter (I think?). Idk. I watched the trailer months and months ago. But I was intrigued. And a little southern ghost story sits just right with me.

THE PURGE: ANARCHY

The sequel to The Purge. Basically same shit different streets right? But I loved the first one, and I'm fully aware the second one will be the same kind of stuff, and I still want to see it and enjoy it. Simple as that! (I hope).

HOUSEBOUND

A horror movie from New Zealand I heard about in 2013. Somewhat comedy, somewhat horror. The story of a girl moving back in with her parents and finding out the house is haunted. My knowledge is minor on this but I've read some great reviews.

DRACULA UNTOLD

This is just guilty pleasure because I think the lead guy is gorgeous. I will probably hate this movie, I probably won't get all the way through. But I'm willing to try. For like half an hour. Honestly, I don't even know why I put this on here.

WILLOW CREEK

A BIG FOOT MOVIE THAT'S ACTUALLY SCARY. I hope. Also I just realized there's a lack of found footage film on this list which is refreshing but this one is found footage so there goes that. Something about a couple in the woods, maybe the wife believes, maybe the husband doesn't? idk. that might just be an episode of Finding Big Foot. Regardless, I remember being excited for this one.

V/H/S VIRAL

The end of a beautiful, terrifying, bizarre, refreshing anthology trilogy of found footage with multiple directors. And this ending doesn't look like it dissapoints. Wasn't it something about a video of an ambulance going viral so everyone tries to make viral videos and shit goes wack? Isn't there a scene with a girl in the shower and then she dissapears and there's a lot of blood?
Guess I'll find out.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL

AN ALIEN MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!! I fucking love alien movies. Oh god, I love them so much. This also might be found footage? Honestly, all I remember from the trailer was a dude getting straight up PROBED and I couldn't even.

You know what this list taught me?
My memory is terrible. I watch too many trailers. I cannot wait to binge horror movies again.

(Edited Jan. 22) Adding to the list:
The Canal
The Guest

in which i find a strange DVD that may change my life forever

Well it's day one of my Christmas (two weeks late) in Calgary with my family. This year I was spoiled with books, dvds, a hobbit calendar, and walking dead pens....that's right....I now own a pen with rick grimes' face on it. One gift I received was a weird DVD collection called 10 American Horror Stories and has 10 horror movies on two discs. I can't find the DVD collection anywhere online but here's a pic of mine:

Anyway, it's all super bizarre and probably filled with terrible horror films but for some reason I'm almost the most excited about this gift. I mean, ten horror movies I've never seen, let alone heard of, before. And the weirdest part is the synopsis on the back:
Do you love the haunting plots of FX's American Horror Story? Then you'll scream for these ten chilling films! Witchcraft and dark magic are just the beginning of the scares that are in store as A-list stars turn on the terror.

WHAT?!

So I figured I'd blog about them all as I get a chance to watch them. I'm watching Midnight's Child as I type. I'm also wearing an Eeyore onesie. My little sister got it for me and it's amazing. It also has nothing to do with horror movies but I'm setting the mood.

So here's our ten American horror films:

Midnight's Child

(a TV movie that premiered on my birthday [April 21st] in 1992)

Kate and her artist husband are busy working parents. Everything seems to be going fine, going about their daily lives. Then, Anna, the Swedish nanny that Kate hired to care for their daughter, comes into their lives. She tells Christina odd stories, and dazzles her with gifts and her strange picture book. Kate is having awful visions, her husband is acting weird, and her daughter is slowly drawing away from her. Her investigation of Anna only leads to a bizzare Satanic plot. Is there anyone she can trust?

The Cry

(2007)

In New York, detective Alex Scott is investigating with his partner Sergio Perez the disappearance of several children. When they visit the Mexican witch Gloria, the woman advises that a powerful evil force is chasing the reincarnation of her son and drowning the other children to bring pain to their mothers.

Hurt

(2009)

A recently widowed family is forced to move into their uncle's salvage yard, and soon after the arrival of a mysterious foster child, a family secret starts to threaten their lives.

Bay Coven

(TV Movie October 1987)

A young newlywed couple move into a remote village in middle America only to find a secret coven of witches who want them to join all the fun; or face the consequences.

The Cellar Door

(2007)

The girl next door, having coffee, lunch with a friend, shopping, unaware she is becoming an obsession. She has been chosen. A young woman awakes to find herself imprisoned in a serial killer's basement. She is not the first to be entrapped in this diabolical torture chamber. She is not the first to captivate his perverse affection, Herman has been searching for the perfect girl, but all he's collected are pieces - a chunk of hair; a severed finger; a jar of blood - and now, the alluring and beautiful Rudy. Imprisoned in a wooden cage and yet refusing to play along in his twisted game, she has only her wits to use against his savage and murderous insanity. Will she win the desperate, hallucinatory game of cat and mouse and escape through the Cellar Door, or die trying?

Room 33

(2009)

A group of friends on a road trip seek shelter at a mental institution in the woods, only to discover that the building is the home of a mysterious young girl named Roxy whose unsettling presence serves as a foreshadow of doom. Later, as the group attempt to unravel the mystery of Roxy, who seems to have endured years of abuse, a mysterious killer begins to hunt them from the darkness.

Grave Secrets

(TV Movie 1992)

Said to be based on fact, the residents of new houses experience disturbing supernatural phenomena. They find out that their houses are built on land formerly used as a cemetery.

Nightscream

(TV Movie 1997)

Drew is a young woman who drives to a small town she has never been to while in a trance. A year ago in this town Laura, who looked just like Drew, was murdered. Everyone assumed that Laura's boyfriend Teddie who went missing at the same time as the murder had done it, but Drew starts having dream sequences and trances that imply otherwise. Gradually through investigation and with the guidance of more visions from Laura, Drew uncovers the story behind the murders.

The Haunting of Fox Hollow Farm

(2011)

Can the soul of a killer linger forever? Filmmaker Dan T. Hall explores macabre shadows of the past as he documents the haunting of the infamous Fox Hollow Farm estate, former home of alleged serial killer Herb Baumeister. The paranormal documentary The Haunting of Fox Hollow Farm.

Haunting of Winchester House

(2009)

A family moves in to look after the Winchester mansion for a few months, and soon find themselves terrorized by vengeful spirits. With the help of a paranormal investigator they'll unravel the mystery of the house.

I don't know about you but I am ready to embark on this journey even though I am completely confused about the A-List actors and how this DVD even exists. Either way, at least I have something to keep me occupied for a few weeks.