Yeah, yeah, it's not on my list. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was on last years' list. BUT...I'm the only one at work today for a few hours so I've set up camp in the kitchen where the TV + Netflix is and with only access to Netflix Canada, I have chosen to watch The Pyramid. At 8:15am. Alone. On New Year's Eve. My life gets so angsty sometimes.
Note I'm only paying half attention because I am actually working.
But backstory, that no one asked for - I was not a high achiever in school. I got that I had to be there, and I worked to pass, but it wasn't until we began to study Ancient Egypt and its' Gods and the Mummies and the pyramids, that I finally discovered that great feeling of a thirst for knowledge. I poured over books reading about all of this fascinating lore and history, going above and beyond what was asked of me in class. My interest for Ancient Egyptian history never waned. And when The Mummy came out when I was junior high, I went nuts for it. I was convinced I would be an archeologist and dig up dinosaurs (I also loved Jurassic Park) and Mummies. Clearly, since I'm not blogging from a dig site right now, I did not achieve that dream.
So when I saw a trailer for The Pyramid - a found footage horror film about a group of archeologists who discover a three sided pyramid buried in the sand - I felt that excitement in my belly. And that poster!!!! It's a great poster. But I have kept putting it off and putting it off. It's been on my 'to-watch' list since the first time I saw the trailer. And I think I've been putting it off because I know it won't be that great. And as the reviews came in and I saw lots of 2/5 stars, I knew the truth.
BUT, as I always say, I like to form my own opinion from actually watching this shit - so here we are.
The Pyramid came out in 2014 and was directed by Gregory Levasseur. The plot of the film revolves around an archaeological team who, during the Egyptian protests in 2013, discover a three sided pyramid buried in the desert. They discover a tunnel but when it's opened, a poisonous gas is released, killing a worker. The team is then ordered to leave the site because of the uprising in Giza but the team are unwilling to give up what they've worked so hard to find. They send a remote controlled robot into the pyramid to survey but soon after entering, the robot is attacked by something and goes offline. This leaves the team nothing to do but enter themselves....because horror movie.
(spoilers going forward)
It stars Ashley Hinshaw (Gossip Girl), Denis O'Hare (American Horror Story: Freakshow), and James Buckley (The Inbetweeners)
This is one of those infuriating found footage films where most of it doesn't make any sense as to why they're filming, or how they're being filmed. And it does sometimes take you out of the film because you're suddenly thinking...wait...how is that camera angle possible? does this ancient pyramid have security cameras already inside? what?
The group, once inside the pyramid, fall apart pretty quickly. They all start bickering right away which is a bit annoying. Like, ya'll chill, take a second, you're inside a pyramid that's never been discovered, get some perspective.
The pyramid starts collapsing as the group gets hopelessly lost and then they all fall into a room basically full of feces. Which they blame on a dog trapped inside, which according to this group of educated individuals, also attacked their robot. Cause dogs live to be 5000 years old. Then a giant piece of the ceiling falls on Michael, which is kind of a relief, because he was kind of a dick.
Sunni, the camera woman/interviewer, finds a hole in the ceiling and decides to climb up it because they need to escape obviously. Then, what can only be described as one of those naked cat things but like...giant...attacks her face. This group of university graduates all still believe it is a dog. This 5000 year old dog which has now managed to destroy their robot, fill a room with shit, and stalk this group through a pyramid that has been sealed for god knows how long.
Reading the hieroglyphics on the wall, they discover a tunnel leading out of the shit room and after more bickering, they decide to take it. They leave Michael behind, who btw survived the giant rock hitting him but is basically stuck beneath it.
Once they get through to the next tunnel shit basically hits the fan. There's a creature coming at them from all angles. And so they decide to turn off all the lights, because even though this creature has lived in the pitch black for 5000 years, it's safe to assume it can't see in the dark....right?
After a bunch of awesome booby traps are set off, Sunni falls into a pit, because she's just full of bad luck today. AND THEN THOSE NAKED CATS START EATING HER. It was amazing. Like, my favorite part of the film so far. At least this group finally figured out it wasn't a dog.
Now that there's only three left, they're all starting to get very sick. They discover a dead body with a freemason ring on. CONSPIRACYYYYYY.
Then there's this gnarly scene where the lead archeologist is standing there talking and all of a sudden a fucking hand just punches through his chest and there's blood everywhere. It was so bad ass. And then you hear all these like...Mummy roars? Which are actually quite spooky.
Then you get to see the Mummy and although it's super CGI it's actually pretty sick because it's NOT A MUMMY. It's some sort of giant cat creature. But, it's actually Anubis!!!!!! ANUBIS YOU GUYS!!! Anubis was the protector of the graves in ancient Egypt and was also an embalmer. He was lord of the underworld until he was replaced by Osiris. Anubis was known to usher souls into the afterlife by attending the "Weighing of the Heart" which determined whether a soul would be allowed to enter the realm of the dead. HE'S SO COOL!
They actually do a pretty cool job of what it looks like. Even though it's clearly CG, it doesn't pull you out of the story. It's still creepy as fuck. And anyway, this just means the final two are fucked. Of course, when you finally see Anubis up close and personal. It looks awful. It looks like Scooby Doo looked in those live action films.
Anyway, Anubis and the last standing lady face off. The young lady escapes but is basically dying. A small white child (because there's a lot of those wandering around the Egyptian desert) finds her but SURPRISE Anubis snatches the child and the movie ends.
Was it great? No. Was it fun? Kind of. Will I watch it again? Yes.
This pulled on my history strings (even though none of this is accurate) and I didn't hate it or feel super disappointed.
5/10
Alright,
It's New Year's Eve! I'm actually leaving the house this evening maybe so that will be coooooool. Then on Saturday I fly home to Calgary to see my folks.
Keep watching horror movies!
And stay spooky!
(never forget)
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