HELLO FRIENDS AND ENEMIES (just kidding, I have neither)
I'm just going to warn you right now that this is a big post, so get comfortable on that couch in your underwear and get ready for an update like no other update.
disclaimer: even though that gives the illusion that this will be exciting, it probably won't.

I lost my job. Three weeks ago. And I feel like I have had so much time to blog since then but haven't truly taken advantage of it. Probably because I've been too busy playing Assassin's Creed and debating over the new season of American Horror Story with Oprah.
Since losing my job I have come to the realization that there was a whole new level of sad and pathetic that I never knew I could reach. So bravo to me for reaching that. Few examples; staying up until 4 am watching Criminal Minds, wearing the same tank top for three days because no one noticed, getting excited to go grocery shopping because it meant leaving the house.
On the day of losing my job I came home and cried about it for a few hours, drank some vodka, took a shower where I did a wonderful rendition of a Whitney Houston song, got really angry, cried some more, danced to Michael Jackson, and then slept. I basically went through all the stages of grief in about 5 hours. It was exhausting.
Then I got over it, and now I've reached a beautiful state of bitterness where everything is ironic and nothing hurts.

Clearly I have not gotten another job yet because a) it's the Christmas season and no one is hiring, and b) I am currently watching the Miss Universe pageant and muttering under my breath at their "life goals". I really don't understand these types of events. I really don't. All they've done is walk back and forth across a stage in barely any clothes while an annoying woman has told me facts like "she once helped her father birth a cow...wow!" and "when she gets nervous, she kisses her own shoulders." THANK GOD THAT I NOW KNOW THESE FACTS, MY LIFE IS DRASTICALLY CHANGED BECAUSE MISS BRAZIL HAS CONVERSATIONS WITH HER SISTER IN HER SLEEP. Really? REALLY?
Sadly, I could really see myself using that fact at some sort of social gathering where I was nervous and there was an awkward silence.

Since I have no money and it is Christmas I had to get a little creative this year. But I cannot share with you what this involves since my family are really the only people that read this and therefore spoiler alert. I also finally put up our Christmas tree yesterday, although to be fair it's more of a Christmas branch since it only comes up to my waist. And I am not tall. But my cold ice heart is starting to melt just in time for the big day. Which this year will hopefully involve a lot of alcohol and at least one horror movie.

I also have a trip planned to go home in January which will be exciting. I haven't been home to see my friends since April of last year. I wish I could show up and surprise everyone with how different and grown up I am since moving to a different province. Unfortunately most of them will realize nothing has changed except my hair is longer and I haven't washed my jeans in awhile. And I am slightly more unstable.
I am mostly excited to be reunited with Oprah, my overly attached bff. I feel very deeply that over the past few months we have reached a whole new level of friendship. Being apart has proved to us both that everyone else sucks and 4 hour long phone conversations every night are normal. And that if we were to ever sadly become single, we would live together and sleep in bunk beds. Because if that were the case, we would truly be forever alone.

The other night I took a nap and kept dreaming that I woke up from my nap and Mitch was watching Seven on his computer and I was like what are you doing, why did you download this, we own two copies of it. Then I would wake up again and yell WHAT'S IN THE BOX? at him. Then I would wake up and try to tell him I want to watch the movie too but I'm deaf and can't hear his response. Then I woke up in real life and watched Seven on the couch with Mitch. It was a weird night. I despise naps. 

I love how everyone was freaking out about the new instagram "policies". I mean come on, you really think your photos are so special that people will buy them? Good lord, better delete my instagram, don't want all those selfies and photos of my cat wearing a sweater to be sold to some advertising company. DAMN YOU CORPORATE GREED.
When I read those policies I had a little look through my own photos just to see what was even on there. The problem with instagram is that it's so easy to take photos, post them, and then forget it ever happened. And on android's version when you see your full profile it's actually a pain in the ass to look at each photo you posted. Do you ever wonder what people would think you were really like if they were just shown your instagram photos? Take a good look at your profile and see what it says about you. Mine basically tells the truth of what I really am; a lonely fan girl with too much time on her hands. Seriously, how do I even have followers?
But now we can all breathe a sigh of relief because we were all misled and now we know no one will be buying pictures of our various McDonalds meals and artsy colored coffee cups. But of course, it is the internet, and whatever you post will never be truly safe. Which is why I get such a kick out of people posting photos of themselves in their underwear or just plain naked. Especially when they're underage. WHO ARE THESE KIDS? WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS? And a better question; can pedophiles get instagram profiles?
The internet lately is like a girls gone wild free for all. How does anyone think it's a good idea to post seXy~ photos of themselves publicly for everyone to see? I don't want to see that shit. And I love when girls get upset because "so and so" shared their photo with the world and now "imnotanoldwhiteman69" is stalking them on facebook. What did you expect? I loooooove it. I really do. I know that it's wrong, but I also don't care. I hope one day we can all learn a lesson from this "selfie generation" but I also know that won't happen.

Honestly,
I would just like 2012 to be over. And it may be on Friday since that is the end of times and what not. But if that doesn't work out, then 2013 needs to hurry its' ass up because I got dealt a shit deck this year and I'm over it. But at least today I got to witness my room mate make a 7ft penis out of snow in our front yard.

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas filled with drunken mistakes, re-gifting, and obesity. Also love and joy etc.