Drag me back from hell aka hey guys I'm back?

 Okay...so here's what happened...

Horror movies have been a massive part of my life since I was very young. They keep my anxiety at bay, they inspire me to be creative, they relax me, and I very much enjoy them. Last year started out great - lots of good stuff. Got a promotion at work which set me on path to start the career I've been wanting for years. I started making more money and was able to pull myself out of debt and take care of myself, my dogs, and Mitch.

But I also started writing more, writing about horror movies, horror news etc. You guys remember. It was all done on this blog. I was asked to write for two different horror movie sites which was an absolute dream come true for me. I was given screeners to watch and review. It was fucking incredible. Over the past almost 6 years of writing this blog, people always asked me why I kept writing it and reviewing and celebrating horror, what was the end goal? I always joked it was to get free horror movies. And that started happening.

October hit - I had surgery on my face, had some pretty horrific dental surgery, and work was getting insane. I released my new site out into the world after working on it for months. And I jumped into my 31 days of horror. Somewhere near the middle of October I broke. Mentally and physically. My illness got out of control, I was sick every day. Work was so incredibly busy and stressful and then I would come home and try to write 5 different articles, watch 3 horror movies, and scroll through the hundreds of new horror articles that had come out. I had multiple deadlines to reach and I needed to keep up - I HAD to keep up. Because this was what I'd always wanted. This was it. I was living my dream.

But in reality my dream was ultimately a second job that I didn't get paid for. And as my health deteriorated and I became more and more miserable, I had to take a step back.

I stopped everything. No more horror movies, no more reviews, no more articles, no more screeners. My website sat dying on the internet. And I felt like a complete failure when people asked me about what was going on. Because for months I had been that girl that could have it all and successfully pull it off. I don't fail a lot - and I don't mean that it in a cocky way - I mean that in an anxiety ridden way where I refuse to let myself fail. But I had failed.

Granted, my regular day job was going better than ever and I was doing better than I ever thought I would. But there was this bitter, dead part of me that resented my day job because it had taken away my horror movies. It was like I had a resentful sibling inside of me who was jealous that the other sibling got all the attention. And I had to think - what am I really going to do forever? I have to have income, money is a big drive for me professionally. While I do consider myself a creative person, I'm not the kind of person that can chase my creative dreams and get all "live your dreams and money will come second". 

Nah, I want money now. I want to live a good comfy life and retire without panic. Writing horror movie reviews will not get me that.

October was also the time that Hollywood exploded with sexual abuse. I watched as people I looked up to in the industry came out and told their own devastating stories of abuse and misogyny. It was too much. I had to take a step back. Why was I hoping to rise up in an industry like that? I felt the hate all the time for simply being a woman with an opinion in the horror world. And I wanted to do that full time?!

SO....why all of this now? Because I felt the need to explain why I disappeared out of the horror community seemingly over night. And the answer is because life is fucking tough. And it's tough dealing with an illness you don't fully understand and it's tough dealing with anxiety and it's tough dealing with giving up something you love, to ultimately feel better.

But after almost 5 months I have started to dip my toe back into the horror waters because honestly I fucking miss horror movies. And really it's not horror movies that broke me, it's everything around them. It's the need to be relevant, and for people to look at you like you know what's going on, that you're in the loop. To get likes and hits on social media, to have your reader count go up every week, to have people you respect in the community reach out and congratulate you on a well written review. BUT THAT STUFF DOESN'T MATTER!

Horror movies matter - because horror movies have always been there for me through thick and thin. Horror movies have broken my heart, made me laugh, made me cry, made me so scared I had to sleep with the lights on, made me almost throw up, made me scream, yell, call my best friend to yell at her to WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCKKKK.

I watched Scream 2 and something just woke up in me - it was like coming home again. I was like...oh yeah...this is what it feels like to lose myself for an hour and a half and not stress about anything and just have a great fucking time. And I don't have to take notes and analyze it because it's Scream 2 and I've seen this movie 1000 times. And no one cares that I'm watching it except me.

So, I'm here to say I'm back. And it's not for you. It's for me. I won't be watching the latest horror movies and following the news so I can keep everyone updated and be "in the know". I'm going to fall back in love with horror movies again. And you can come along with me, or I can go it alone. But going forward this is my love letter to horror movies.

Just one woman, with a lot of mental problems and some serious food issues, and a lot of health problems, being myself, watching horror movies, and having a great fucking time.

Welcome back to horror bound...where I fucking love horror movies.