Lights Out - horror movie realness day two

LIGHTS OUT 2016

 "If Mom's crazy, does it mean we're crazy too?"

Sophie, a mother of two, is mentally ill with chronic depression. After the death of her second husband, she begins to lose it even more. Her son, Martin, is terrified by a woman his Mother keeps referring to as Diana who can only move about in the dark. After falling asleep too many times at school, his older sister Rebecca and her boyfriend Bret take him with them.

Concerned for Martin, Rebecca remembers what it was like when she was younger living with Sophie and Diana. But that night Diana comes to visit and Rebecca realizes that perhaps Diana is real after all. After some investigation Rebecca learns the truth about Diana and soon finds herself fighting for her and her families life in the dark.

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• Rebecca is beautiful...wow...I was totally distracted a few times.
• Diana is quite terrifying and there are some great freaky moments that are definitely going to have me checking dark corners before I go to bed. My favorite one was when Rebecca wakes up to scratching noises and sees Diana huddled over the floor in her door frame. SPOOKY SHIT.
• Bret deserves a goddamn boyfriend of the year award....
• That ending...I got emotional ya'll

What didn't I love?

• I mean....for the average horror viewer there's a lot of jump scares, but they were predictable and you could see them coming a mile away.

Overall?

Directed by David Sandberg in his directorial debut and starring Teresa Palmer, Gabriel Bateman, Maria Bello and Alexander DiPersia. This movie made big bucks at the box office and in fact made back it's whole production costs in the first day. Based on the success Sandberg was hired to direct Annabelle 2 and a sequel to Lights Out was immediately greenlit. Lights out is based on an original short that Sandberg put out in 2013. You probably remember it....it was fucking terrifying:


I really enjoyed it, it's kind of like...I mean...it's a basic horror movie ya know? It has all the tropes, it's a tone of fun, and it's creepy. It's not gonna freak me out and it's not gonna blow my mind, but I had a good time watching it and will probably watch it a few more times. I could see sequels being successful too.

I was impressed by the spirit of Diana and how they pulled it off in the film without it ever looking fake or ridiculous. Turns out they used a photorealistic prosthetic suit which also functioned as a green screen suit so they could remove her from the screen when the lights came on. Sandberg wanted to use as little CG as possible and you know I'm all for that.

It's fun...I'm here for it.

9/10 

Stay Spooky!

I am Not a Serial Killer - horror movie realness day two

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER 2016

"The thing about boxes is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.”

John Wayne Cleaver is a 15 year old sociopath who lives by very strict rules that he believes keeps him from becoming a serial killer. He obsesses over serial killers, reading all about them and studying them which causes his school to worry and forces him to get a therapist. He doesn't have any friends except for one kid who he uses to keep him in check and keep him "normal". His mother and aunt work in a morgue and funeral home and they allow John to work down there with them.

The small town they live in begins to experience a spree of murders and when the bodies appear at the morgue, John notices a pattern of missing limbs and organs. He sets out to find the killer while keeping himself in check. 

But what's that black tar like substance found at all the crime scenes? And why has his neighbor started to act strangely?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• Max Records is PERFECT casting and did an absolutely amazing job in this movie. He's the lead and without his success the movie would completely fall apart.
• Christopher Lloyd dominated the screen and played creepy so well. The scene where he arrives at the funeral home and lurks behind John is so intense, "you attacked my wife..."
• The monster reveal at the end was very well done. Much like I pictured it when I read it.

What didn't I love?

• Not much - obviously it's not a thrill ride, edge of your seat kind of deal. It's more of a slow burn.

Overall

I read this book a few months ago and fell in love with it. Although I am not a sociopath by any means, I have more feelings than a normal human should in fact, I related a lot to John. Like him I grew up with a fascination for true crime and was looked upon strangely by friends and family for knowing body counts and serial killers life stories.

The movie does a wonderful job of translating text to screen and really hit the nail on the head when it comes to Crowley. Yes, this is a horror movie, but it's also an emotional story about one creature who has led a long life only to fall in love and realize what is most important. His struggle to live to be with Kay is beautiful. Of course, his way of getting through life is wrong which makes it so tragic. Crowley loved Kay more than anything, "he loved me more than anything in heaven or hell" and it is heartbreaking in his final moments when all he cares about is keeping Kay safe.

The relationship between John and his Mom is also incredibly emotional. She has a son who cannot understand the meaning of love but she loves him unconditionally. She wants what is best for him but also has no idea what is best for him.

It's such an interesting tale of emotion and growth. John is fascinating and I could write a million more words about him but I'll cut it short here.

I understand this movie won't be for everyone. The twist at the end of course takes it in a strange direction, and I think without reading the book first, it might not work so well on screen. But I enjoyed it greatly.

8/10

Okay, it's 6pm and I have two more movies to watch for the day. BUT...I drank a red bull, the couch has been made into a giant blanket fort situation and I have candy. I think I'll accomplish this! Let's do this!

Stay spooky!

Yoga Hosers - horror movie realness day one

YOGA HOSERS 2016

 "The good news is...we're Canadian satanists"

Colleen and Colleen are two teenage best friends who live in Manitoba. They work as clerks in the Eh-2-Zed store and study yoga under Yogi Bayer. After getting invited to a party by two seniors, the girls are devastated to find out they have to work instead.

The boys bring the party to the store where the Colleen's work but turns out they're actually satanists who need to murder a virgin. While Colleen is getting attacked, a one foot tall Nazi made out of bratwurst attacks the senior and kills him. Now the Colleens are defending their store from an army of Bratzi's only to get arrested by the cops. The RCMP believe the girls murdered the seniors, choosing to ignore their real story.

Guy LaPointe arrives and breaks the girls out of jail and the three of them attempt to find proof of the Bratzis.

But what is buried underneath the Eh-2-Zed? And is there any truth to the rumors about the Nazi Andronicus Arcane who disappeared in the 40's?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• The cast is amazing - Adam Brody, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Tony Hale, and Natasha Lyonne.
• The two Colleens are adorable.
• Guy LaPointe wasn't as unbearable as I thought he would be.
• Canadiancorpses.com 
• The different yoga poses are hilarious.

What didn't I love?

• There were a lot more musical numbers than I counted on.
• The Bratzi's were super annoying and not in a fun way.

 Overall?

Alright, look....ya'll know I'm a massive Kevin Smith fan. But I will admit that this movie is nonsense. It's a fever dream. BUT...as a Kevin Smith fan, it was a fun love letter to Smodcast fans. There were so many little easter eggs and jokes that had me cackling. Also Shecky!!!!!!!

Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp are wonderful and I'm so incredibly proud of them. They really nailed their roles and you could feel how much fun they were having.

If I was a teenage girl again I know without a doubt I would love this movie immensely. And I think that's all that matters. Kevin Smith wrote this movie for teenage girls, he wanted them to have two hilarious female Canadian heroes. So really he did exactly what he was setting out to do.

It's goofy, it's over the top, it's cringey but I still enjoyed it.

6/10

Alright, I just want to take a moment to talk about Carrie Fisher who we lost today. It is absolutely devastating and my heart is shattered. Last week she suffered a massive heart attack on a plane home from England. She began to recover but today she didn't make it. She leaves a massive wake behind her and my thoughts go out to her daughter and the rest of her family, to all her many friends, and to Gary.

She made her Broadway debut as a young girl alongside her mother in Irene and made her big screen debut in 1975 in Shampoo. At the age of 19 she landed the iconic role of Princess Leia. She also starred in The Blues Brothers, When Harry Met Sally and The 'Burbs - just to name a few.

Carrie has always been open about her struggles with mental illness and addiction and never shied away from telling the nasty truth. She wrote a one-woman play and memoir called Wishful Drinking that spoke about her addiction. She's gone on to write four novels and helped edit many many scripts throughout her long career.

When I was a young girl, Princess Leia taught me that girls can be heroes too. And when I got older, Carrie Fisher taught me to wear my scars proudly and never back down.

You were a whirlwind Carrie and I love you deeply. Rest in peace. 

Don't Breathe - horror movie realness day one

DON'T BREATHE 2016

"Just 'cause he's blind, don't mean he's a fucking saint bro."

In Detroit, three friends make a small living by breaking into homes and robbing them. Alex's father has a security company so they use the codes and keys stolen from him. Rocky is trying to save up to get her and her sister out of her abysmal situation and move them to California and Money will do anything to help her.

After receiving a tip about an old Army veteran who lives in an abandoned neighborhood with $300K in his house, the three decide to rob him. After staking out the house they realize the man is blind but decide to rob him anyway.

But this Army vet is much more than they think he is and when the robbery goes wrong, they find themselves locked inside of his house fighting desperately for their lives.

But can they still find the money? And what's behind that locked basement door?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• AMAZING opening scene. Love a scene like that where it flashes forward and then you just know you're in for a fucking insane ride.
• There's some great scenes that are chilling - when Money finds the Army vet in his bedroom and you get your first good look at him, it was terrifying. The scene in the basement when the lights are out was super intense and gave me some Silence of the Lambs realness. And when Rocky is locked in the car with the dog outside...CUJO YA'LL!
• I like that the blind man is animal like in his movements and the way he turns his head. It gives him a inhuman aspect that makes him more horrifying.

What didn't I love?

• The foreshadowing shots were kind of irritating - there were these dramatic zoom in shots on their shoes or on the hammer and you're like...yeah...I get it...important plot point. It felt like I was being babied and I didn't like it.
• I mean...the turkey baster situation....way to scar me for fucking life. "You're young, you'll breed well." ARE YOU JOKING?! That's fucked upppppppp. But I also kind of loved it?

Overall?

This is one freakin' hell of a ride! Directed by Fede Alvarez, who also directed the Evil Dead remake, and produced by Sam Raimi it stars the amazingly talented Jane Levy (seriously, get this girl more lead roles), Stephen Lang and Dylan Minnette. A perfect cast and a near perfect film.

It's shot so perfectly, I found myself holding my breath and staying incredibly still and then realizing I'm not actually in the movie and forcing myself to relax. It was so intense and well done that I honestly kept forgetting it wasn't really happening.

Rocky is one of my new favorite final girls, she is fucking relentless. And although I found the whole ladybug thing kind of cheesy, I was yelling for this girl to FIGHT. The blind man was incredibly interesting, and although what he's doing is so fucked up, I sort of felt for him ya know? It was interesting to see all the empty spots on the walls where crosses used to hang and hear his comment about how once you accept there is no God, you can do anything. It was a fascinating character study.

And that ending...still undecided. While watching it I was yelling at the screen like WHAAAAAATTTTT but now that I'm thinking about it I'm like...hmmm...maybe not? I mean, I kind of love that he's like our favorite slashers where no matter how many times you stab or shoot them they still manage to survive. But I also read what the original ending was going to be and that would've been pretty fucked up too.

9/10
I'm docking a mark for the turkey baster because I am mentally and emotionally scarred.

And now time to make a bed out of my couch, eat a bunch of candy, and move onto movie three!

Stay spooky!

The Autopsy of Jane Doe - horror movie realness day one

Alright, here we are....day one of the End of Christmas Horror Realness Challenge or whatever I called it while I was on a sugar high the other day. I've just finished the first movie and am completely freaking out because it was actually terrifying...I ACTUALLY GOT SCARED FOR ONCE!!!!!!!

We'll jump right into that but first two important things:

1) There's a new promotional picture released of Pennywise from the upcoming IT movie. There was an accidental release over the weekend but they got rid of that real quick. So here's the actual legit one:

First thoughts?
What are the logistics of this photo? Is he flying? Why does it look like he's about to be shot out of a cannon?
Second thoughts?
Fuck. yes.

And to all those online complaining that Pennywise looks "too much like a clown"....you are dumb and I hate everything about you. Pennywise is a fucking clown and that's why he's scary. He needs to look like a clown. That's the damn point.

IT creeps into theaters September 8th and stars Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise.

2) Christmas Eve night blessed us which something much better than Santa....mother fuckin' alien covenant trailer ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it is absolutely amazing. That face hugger, that final scene in the shower, that creepy ass cover of that song....SO MANY THINGS ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!! I immediately watched it three times in a row, yelled at Mitch about it, and have lost count of how many times I've watch it since. MY BODY IS SO READY FOR THIS MOVIE. And based on the trailer...we will not be let down.



Alright....let's jump into my first movie for the day:

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016)

"Leave the 'why' to the cops and the shrinks, we're just here to find cause of death, no more, no less."

In a small town, cops are called to the house of what appears to be a home invasion. Dead bodies, gore, blood. But no attempt to break in. In fact, it seems as if the home owners were trying to break out. In the basement the cops find the dead body of a young woman coming out of the dirt.

The main coroner in town is Tommy Tilden who runs the Tilden Morgue and Crematorium along with his son, Austin. The morgue has been in their family for generations and is in the basement of their home. The mysterious young woman's body is taken to the morgue and the Sheriff asks them to find cause of death overnight leaving Tommy and Austin to work through the night.

As the father and son begin, they start to discover strange things about this body. The outside shows no sign of damage but internally it is a mess. Her tongue is severed, her wrists and ankles are shattered, and her lungs are burned. As a massive storm rolls in the two men are about uncover something they may never be able to explain.

How did this woman die? And why do the lights keep flickering and the radio changing channels? And what happened to the other bodies in the morgue?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?
First of all...this is the first movie in YEARS that actually scared me. I was screaming, gasping, getting goosebumps and at one point realized I was yelling out loud; WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BODIES?!
Outstanding performances from Emile Hirsch and Brian Cox.
This is an incredibly tense movie and there's one particular build that had me completely on edge to the point of having a heart attack.
Beautifully directed by Andre Ovredal.
Those fucking bells ya'll, I'm forever going to lose my shit when I hear a bell.
The continuous shots of Jane Doe's eyes are so unnerving.

What didn't I love?

• There was this scene where Austin was talking with his girlfriend about leaving the town and his Dad, but it's never really brought up again and I felt that was a sort of forced and pointless moment.

Overall?
Seriously, this is THE movie for this year. It is terrifying. And I do not scare easily. But I was jumping and screaming and losing my mind. I was muttering "no, no, no" every time it go so intense. I was honestly forgetting to breath. When the movie ended my fridge made a weird sound and I screamed out loud. My neighbors are probably quite concerned right now.

This is amazingly directed - every moment is so specific to keep you completely on edge. This is a simple story that works so incredibly well and the atmosphere is perfect.

This is my dream career. Seriously, I've threatened a few times at work to quit and become a mortician. So I really felt a connection to this film. But it also felt so accurate. I love See No Evil 2 but sometimes you're annoyed because you know a lot of what is happening isn't accurate to the job. This movie is gory but feels right for what is going on. It doesn't shy away from the autopsy.

I will aggressively recommend this to anyone who will listen.

A solid 10/10.

Onto the next!

Stay spooky!

After Christmas Horror Movie Realness

Alright, I've got my list together. Starting this Monday (Boxing Day) once Mitch leaves for the airport I will begin my END OF CHRISTMAS HORROR REALNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've sorted through all the movies that came out this year that I haven't watched yet that I do want to watch and come up with 11. I've got the day down for which I'll watch them. I'm back to work Wednesday to Friday so only one per day during that time.

Obviously this may change as I haven't bothered to check the availability of these movies and we all know I can't commit to anything.

BUT...if you want to join in...here's the list:

The Autopsy of Jane Doe - Monday

Don't Breathe - Monday

Yoga Hosers - Monday

Lights Out - Tuesday

I am Not a Serial Killer - Tuesday

The Disappointments Room - Tuesday

Blair Witch - Wednesday

Before I Wake - Thursday 

Ouija: Origin of Evil - Friday

The Other Side of the Door - Saturday

Friend Request - Saturday

See you losers after Christmas and let the horror movie marathon...BEGIN!

Stay spooky!

Stephen King mass news post...I'M UPDATING YOU!

GUYS I'M ALIVE
Bet you thought I'd fallen into a volcano and died in Kauai. Well...I didn't. But I did come home to a lot of work and then Christmas shopping and then crying because I'm poor and then Star Wars happened and I blacked out for a bit....

BUT I'M BACCCCKKKKKK

Let's talk about some horror news since I promote that I share that stuff and then never do.....

Honestly, this blog and my life is a mess but that's why you guys love me right? RIGHT?!

Today we're going to delve into some Stephen King news because ya'll know he's my fav and we've got a lot going on right now. It feels like they're adapting every single story they can get their hands on.

But first I would like you to view the following photo because it is my new favorite photo of all time and is currently my phone background:

Stephen and Molly aka the Thing of Evil. And if you don't think I day dream about my corgi Obie becoming best friends with Molly, you don't know me at all.

Obviously next year we'll be getting IT and The Dark Tower, but could a possible biopic be in our future? 
It wouldn't be surprising after all and recently it's been released that there are currently TWO King biopic scripts on the black list. This is a list of the hottest, unproduced screenplays which are just waiting to be picked up. One script is set in the 70's and the other 80's. The first one, currently titled Kings of Maine sounds like more of before pic and would follow King as he attempts to complete Carrie.

The second script is called Maximum King! and honestly sounds pretty bad. It's described as "outlandish and surreal" and follows King directing Maximum Overdrive. Which we all know was a coke fueled fit of madness.

Hmmmm...might still be too soon for a King biopic considering my boy is still pumping out books yearly and shows no sign of stopping. But if ya'll need someone to direct or be a consultant, you know where to find me.

Next up on the 'Stephen King to be made' is Revival, a wonderful book that came out in 2014. And honestly this book gave me so much joy because it felt like old school King in every way. Briefly - it follows a Preacher who has lost his faith after his wife and child are killed in an accident. He becomes obsessed with the healing power of electrical currents and becomes a faith healer on the carnival route.

Josh Boone, who was attached to The Stand remake but is now putting that on the back burner, will be working on this. And guess who they're looking at for the lead role.....Russell Crowe. I can totally see that. Boone is currently working on New Mutants though so this might not be for awhile yet.

Another adaptation you say? Why yes! And this time it's Mr. Mercedes which I hated the first time I read it and loved the second time. Hated is a strong word. I didn't hate it. I just...I was angry it was a trilogy and it felt very....un-king-like. But once the trilogy came together I was back on board and now I love all three of those books. This adaptation will be a drama series following a killer who taunts a retired police detective. It's been announced Kelly Lynch will play the killer's mother which is an incredibly interesting role. Anton Yelchin was also set to star in this series but since 2016 is the year to end all years, he tragically passed away. Brendan Gleeson has also been cast as I'm assuming Bill Hodges which is AMAZING. Spot on casting.

The Dark Tower film has been delayed from February until July. And if it's to give the movie more attention before releasing it, I'm fully supportive of this. While this is not a direct adaptation of the books it will be continuation. Which I'm not sure what that really means just yet. But I'm EXCITED.


The casting is incredible - Idris Elba (who I met on a plane once!!!!), Matthew McConablahblahblah and Jackie Earle Haley. But I am crossing my fingers and toes for the success of this one.

1922 is currently being adapted by Netflix which is some bad ass news. 1922 is FUCKED UP. It's a short story/novella situation and it is creepy as hell. I don't even want to give you a synopsis for fear of ruining it...just read it. Netflix has announced that Thomas Jane (from The Mist) is joining and so is Molly Parker. They're about to start filming here in Vancouver!!

Another King/Netflix combo coming is Gerald's Game which makes me cringe because I don't think anyone could adapt this book. I'm willing to be proven wrong but I'm pretty confident I won't be. Gerald's Game is literally one woman handcuffed to a bed for the entirety of the book. It's an amazing story, don't get me wrong, although I read it for the first time when I was waaaay too young and had a lot of questions. But for a movie? Give me a break. The only hope I have? It's being directed by Mike Flanagan. That man is incredible.

Obviously we've got the IT remake coming next year which I am incredibly excited for. Instead of being set in the 1950's and 1980's, it will be the 80's and present day and it will be released in two parts just like the original TV miniseries. Last I heard it was being previewed to select audiences but I want to go in completely unbiased and nonjudgmental so fingers crossed this King fan will be happy.

Alright,
That's it for me tonight. Christmas is this Saturday and then Mitch leaves to Edmonton on Boxing Day leaving me with the dogs alone for a week. I'm thinking of planning some sort of 5 day horror movie binge to watch all the ones I missed this year. But I'm not making any promises cause I'm the worst but I'll keep you updated!

Stay spooky!