The Other Side of the Door - horror movie realness day five

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR 2016

 “It is said that the line between the world of the dead and the living is very thin at this place."

Micheal and Maria live in India, running an antique business. They have a young daughter named Lucy and a Nanny named Piki. They had a young son named Oliver too but after a tragic accident where Maria's car drove into a river, he drowned trapped in the car. Maria is falling apart without her son and after she attempts suicide, Piki approaches her and tells her about a way to see her son again.

In Piki's old town there is an abandoned temple in the middle of a forest and it is rumored that if you take the ashes of your dead loved one and smear it on the steps of the temple, your loved one will arrive behind the door and you can speak to them one last time. Maria takes the ashes of Oliver and travels to this temple. Oliver does appear behind the door but Maria does the one thing she was told not to do....she opens the door.

Back at home it seems Oliver's ghost is haunting them and at first Maria and her daughter Lucy enjoy it but once all the animals on the property die, and the plants start dying, Maria begins to realize she made a huge mistake.

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• Piki is amazing and her judgemental face is my favorite, just side-eyeing Maria like, white bitch I know you opened that door. "No matter what you do, no matter what he says or how much ever he pleads, you must not open the door." ....Maria's like...watch me though.
• Maria having to dig up Oliver's body and then burning it to get his ashes is some fucked up shit.
• The dog's name is Winston which is amazing!!!!!! Me and Mitch were going to name our second dog Winston but obviously Obie already came named. SO NEXT TIME! Tony's middle name is Winston. I just think it's a hilarious name for a dog.
• The multiple armed spirit, Myrtu, is super creepy! 
• It's very much Pet Sematary.
• The ending is pretty great.

What didn't I love?

• Lucy killed the dog....well, Lucy possessed by Oliver, and I was PISSED. SO UNCALLED FOR. WINSTON DID NOTHING TO YOU YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.
• This is one of those horror movies that's too dark. Like way too dark. You have no idea what's going on half the time so you're not getting scared, just frustrated.

 
Overall?

Directed by Johannes Roberts and starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. It was a massive box office bomb but I don't think it was that bad. I mean, it wasn't worth writing home about, but I've seen worse this week.

But what is this theme with mother's losing children? Like three movies I've watched this week the mother had lost a child. And there were a lot of Architects too. Like every other movie someone was an Architect. What's with that? I've literally never met a real Architect.

Look, this was an average horror movie. Some basic jump scares that you can see coming a mile away, some creepy ghosts, and it's set in India. Sarah Wayne Callies was great and perfect and can do no wrong.

The interesting part about this movie though is the Aghori which appear a few times. Aghori are a real tribe that practice necro-cannibalism which is where they eat the corpses thrown into the river Ganges. They believe that if you eat the flesh of the dead it will bring you special powers to stop aging. They're obviously not great neighbors to have but in some parts of the country they are considered powerful medicine men. 


Learning things! Fun!

6/10

Alright, I've got one more movie to watch and then I'm done this challenge and then it's time for NEW YEARS SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ouija Origin of Evil - horror movie realness day five

OUIJA ORIGIN OF EVIL 2016

"She's part of the walls now. And she told me the most wonderful, awful things."

In 1967, Alice and her two young girls run a scam seance business, but they believe they're doing it to help people. Alice's husband recently passed and so the three of them are still dealing with their own grief while they help others with theirs. Lina, her oldest daughter, suggests they incorporate a Ouija board after she played with one at a party. After Alice buys one she accidentally contacts a spirit who possesses the youngest daughter Doris.

Doris uses the board and believes it's her father contacting them and after the house is about to get foreclosed, and the father's spirit leads them to find money hidden in the walls, they all believe the father is reaching out to them.

Believing Doris is a true medium, they continue on with their business only now it's for real. But Doris is writing letters in Polish and acting stranger and stranger, letting other voices use her own.

Will they discover who Marcus is and why he has possessed Doris? And what else is hidden in the basement walls?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• The scenes where Doris looks through the planchette are super creepy.
• It feels incredibly time accurate and Flanagan even included some old fashioned cigarette burns on the film.
• I like the whole concept and story.

What didn't I love?

• The CG was totally out of place and ruined the film for me. It just didn't fit with the theme of what they were trying to portray.
• The last few seconds of the film were AWFUL.

 
Overall

So you probably remember (hahahaha....no you don't...but don't worry) when I attempted to watch Ouija last year. I was so angered that I turned it off half way through. It was an absolute pile of insulting garbage. It was TERRIBLE. GARBAGE. So I had no interest in the sequel until I heard Mike Flanagan was directing it (Hush, Oculus, Before I Wake). And even then I was pretty hesitant. BUT...the reviews coming out were mostly positive so here we are.

And look...it was good. I'm a sucker for movies set in the 60's and 70's so I was thrilled with that but I also couldn't help but compare it to Annabelle and The Conjuring, two movies that were far better than this one.

The story was great, I was super confused at the end but once I read the wiki plot for Ouija I was back on board. But I can't get past the CG. It was annoying and awful and there was so many shots of Doris crawling around and screaming and being all distorted and the CG just made it so out of place for the time.

The scares were minimal, but maybe for the average horror viewer they were good. I liked the characters a lot and fell in loved with Alice.

But, yeah....it's alright. Please don't make a third that I'll feel forced to watch.

7/10

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and as you know Mitch agreed to stay home and take part in......

I spent some time today going through my Shudder to-watch list, got distracted by the making of 31 for an hour, then got back to the list. But in the end I've decided I'm just going to let Mitch pick as that will be more fun. He can dig through our extensive horror DVD collection or go through Netflix. I'll report back with what he picked and what he thought.

See you tomorrow for the last two movies on the list!

Stay Spooky!

Before I Wake - horror movie realness day four

BEFORE I WAKE 2016

"The Canker Man...he comes in my sleep...he eats people...he ate my mom."

Jessie and Mark lost their young son in a tragic drowning accident and are looking to adopt a foster child. They find the perfect match - Cody, an eight year old boy who has been in and out of the foster system. But Cody is special, when he falls asleep bits of his dreams come to life. On the first night while Cody is sleeping butterflies appear in front of Jessie and Mark. The next night their dead son appears. But when Cody refuses to sleep, the couple find out that when Cody has bad dreams, something called the Canker Man comes to visit and it wreaks havoc.

One day at school Cody falls asleep and while the school bully approaches him, the Canker Man appears and attacks him. Jessie and Mark are put under suspicion because Cody was the last one to see this bully alive.

Can Jessie and Mark help Cody deal with the Canker Man? Or will their grief for their lost child hinder them?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• So many emotional moments - when Jessie sees her son for the first time, when she stands outside the bathroom door while Cody takes a bath because she's terrified, when she realizes what the Canker man really is.
• The Canker Man was really well done!
• Tremendous performances for all those involved. 
• Cody's curly haired girl friend was ADORABLE.

What didn't I love?

• How once Mark is gone it's like kay bye. Jessie doesn't even mourn him, she's like ah well I have my son now.
• The cops removing Cody from the house seemed very dramatized...they jumped to a lot of conclusions realllll quick.

Overall

WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! Written and directed by the ever talented Mike Flanagan it stars an A list cast - Kate Bosworth, Jacob Tremblay and Thomas Jane.

I've been waiting to see this movie for awhile so I'm happy it's finally here. It was originally supposed to be out in September of last year but the company that owned it filed for bankruptcy....BUT WE HAVE IT NOW!

Every moment of this movie is so incredibly tense and emotional. From the grief ever present between Jessie and Mark and the hope of Cody it leaves you with your heart smashed. This is a horror movie...sure...there's some terrifying elements. The Canker Man is actually pretty frightening and holds up even when the camera is directly on it. But what this movie really is is a story of grief, of loss, of heart break and how people deal with that loss. It's beautifully written and emotionally charged. Flanagan has such an amazing way of portraying realistic characters even within a fantasy horror element.

The attention to detail was wonderful - when Jessie and Mark first see the butterflies they don't have antennae but later when Cody's friend draws one on his butterfly, after that all the butterflies and moths that appear in his dreams have antennae. This felt like a twisted fairy tale complete with a moral lesson and a somewhat happy ending.

I loved it quite a bit but probably won't watch it again. I cried A LOT.

8/10

Stay Spooky!

ps; Mitch sang words to my ear and said he wanted to stay home for New Years..AND HE SAID YES TO A HORROR MOVIE MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time to plan "New Years Scream" Horror Extravaganza!

Blair Witch - horror movie realness day three

BLAIR WITCH 2016

"The guy who uploaded this video said it was from a tape he found in the Black Hills woods. I think that might be my sister."

James Donahue, the brother of Heather who went missing years ago with two friends in the Black Hills forest has new evidence about his sister. A video has appeared online depicting what appears to be Heather. James tracks down the person who found the video and they agree to meet in Burkittsville. James takes his three friends with him - Peter and Ashley and Lisa, who is filming the whole thing for a documentary about James and his missing sister.

They come prepared with GPS, a drone, and walkie talkies. They meet with locals Talia and Lane who found the original video and set out into the woods. On their first night in the woods they wake up to mysterious noises. The next morning they find the iconic stick figures hanging from the trees but soon figure out that Talia and Lane placed them there.

But why is time going so strangely? And why does the sun never seem to rise? And now the GPS isn't working so perhaps it isn't a hoax by the locals at all....

Alright...what did I love about this film?

• I was happy to see a smart group of kids who were well prepared for a night in the wilderness. 
• It was fun to see all the callbacks from the original and see how this film parallels the original.
• I like the premise.
• There were some jumpy moments and the found footage element wasn't too bad until the end.

What didn't I love?

• ....just read the overall.

Overall

Look...I was rooting for this film. I adore the director (You're Next and The Guest) and listening to him interview and podcast and reading about this film I was fully on board.

BUT.....I didn't love it.

I liked the first half, it felt like a nice sequel to the original but once it ramped up I lost interest and just got annoyed. Basically this movie relies on the fact that the witch can warp time. She can make it night time forever and when Lane and Talia run off they actually disappear for five days whereas for the rest of the group it's only been a few hours. When they find Rustin Parr's house they find it in a spot they've already been too, but it wasn't there before.

Okay...but this just feels confusing and dumb. Because it really just relies on so many possibilities. For example...if the witch can warp time, it's entirely possible that these kids are in the house at the same time as Heather and her guys. When James is outside the house, he hears Heather and runs inside and in fact sees her at one point. So sure, okay, they're all there at the same time because of some magical witch that controls time and space. The video that is discovered by Lane and starts this whole thing off is actually Lisa in the house running from the strange creature. Paranormal Activity The Marked Ones pulled this kind of trick off incredibly well and it blew my fucking mind. This feels like a sad copy cat of that to try and force more sequels to be made.

And let's talk about that creature. According to the writer Simon Barrett the witch isn't shown in this movie. So what is the creature chasing Lisa? Is it Heather? Is it Elly Kedward? Who fucking knows and frankly I don't care. The creature looks like every other creature nowadays. It's a mix of slender man, the ghost from Mama and the monsters from Descent. Not original in any way shape or form.

Ugh, what a shame.

I tried to be non judgemental and go in with low expectations to be proven wrong but I was let down. All it felt like was someone taking what was great about the original and then trying to one up it. But what makes the original so wonderful is that it is just a very basic, no fuss movie with an open ending. There's no weird creatures, there's no on screen violence. It's you and your imagination running wild. And it also worked because it was the first (well, second) of its kind and nothing will ever be able to do that again because they already did it.

I'm also in a foul mood because Debbie Reynolds passed away today and I'm fucking devastated.

I will most likely give this movie another shot and I'll think about the time warp possibilities and try and get excited about it. But for now...

6/10

Stay Spooky!

The Disappointments Room - horror movie realness day two

THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM 2016

Dana, David and their young son Lucas have moved into their new home in the countryside. It's a big, rundown manor but Dana is excited to work on it and turn it into something special. Dana and her family have a troubled past due to the death of their second child. One night when Dana can't sleep she stumbles upon a secret room in her house with no key and that isn't on the floor plans. Luckily the key is hidden in the door frame and Dana gets inside only to be locked in and terrorized by spirits.

Now Dana must battle inside her own home to keep her family safe, who don't believe any of this is really happening, thinking she is having another mental breakdown.

But what was kept in this tiny hidden room? And who is that old man with his black dog she keeps seeing on the property?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• I loved the stay at home dad with the working mom aesthetic and I loved the shop lady get turned the fuck down about this situation.
• The house was beautiful and I'm honestly annoyed that I don't live in a giant decrepit mansion yet. 
• The kid and the Dad singing Gilbert and Sullivan gave me major flashbacks to my childhood, me and my Dad did the same thing! Amazing!

What didn't I love?

• Pretty much everything else. 
• Who was Ben? Why was he even there? Was he even real? What the fuck happened to him? Why was he such a dick?  

Overall

This is a hot mess. It's choppy and boring and a stereotype of itself. By the third act I was completely lost and couldn't keep track of what was happening. Scenes were cutting so quickly and showing nothing of importance, characters went missing, and there was absolutely no payoff or logic.

Garbage.

BUT....as always with terrible horror movies, I end up learning some cool facts...so lets talk about the real story behind The Disappointments Room:

This movie is based on real events slightly....a real room was discovered in a home in Rhode Island which had been built in 1857. Laurie Dumas was the owner and discovered the strange room in her attic. Apparently it was true that back in the day disappointment rooms were a thing for wealthy families who had reputations to maintain. This house was originally owned by Job Smith Carpenter who was a Judge and his wife Frances Ellen Carpenter.

(the real room)

When Laurie found out what this room was she did some digging into history and found a cemetery database that included a small plot in the Woodland Cemetery where the Judge and his family were buried. Alongside their graves was one for a young girl named Ruth who was the Judge's daughter. She was born in 1895 and died in 1900. Looking through old newspapers, Laurie tried to find some more info on Ruth but although there were many articles about her parents, she was never mentioned except for a small note of her death. It's believed that the Judge kept his young girl in this locked room due to a disability.

The real disappointments room was made out of wood with a metal floor and a drain. The door only had a knob on the outside as well as a deadbolt.

Spooky shit ya'll.

But also way more interesting than the movie I just watched.

4/10

Lights Out - horror movie realness day two

LIGHTS OUT 2016

 "If Mom's crazy, does it mean we're crazy too?"

Sophie, a mother of two, is mentally ill with chronic depression. After the death of her second husband, she begins to lose it even more. Her son, Martin, is terrified by a woman his Mother keeps referring to as Diana who can only move about in the dark. After falling asleep too many times at school, his older sister Rebecca and her boyfriend Bret take him with them.

Concerned for Martin, Rebecca remembers what it was like when she was younger living with Sophie and Diana. But that night Diana comes to visit and Rebecca realizes that perhaps Diana is real after all. After some investigation Rebecca learns the truth about Diana and soon finds herself fighting for her and her families life in the dark.

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• Rebecca is beautiful...wow...I was totally distracted a few times.
• Diana is quite terrifying and there are some great freaky moments that are definitely going to have me checking dark corners before I go to bed. My favorite one was when Rebecca wakes up to scratching noises and sees Diana huddled over the floor in her door frame. SPOOKY SHIT.
• Bret deserves a goddamn boyfriend of the year award....
• That ending...I got emotional ya'll

What didn't I love?

• I mean....for the average horror viewer there's a lot of jump scares, but they were predictable and you could see them coming a mile away.

Overall?

Directed by David Sandberg in his directorial debut and starring Teresa Palmer, Gabriel Bateman, Maria Bello and Alexander DiPersia. This movie made big bucks at the box office and in fact made back it's whole production costs in the first day. Based on the success Sandberg was hired to direct Annabelle 2 and a sequel to Lights Out was immediately greenlit. Lights out is based on an original short that Sandberg put out in 2013. You probably remember it....it was fucking terrifying:


I really enjoyed it, it's kind of like...I mean...it's a basic horror movie ya know? It has all the tropes, it's a tone of fun, and it's creepy. It's not gonna freak me out and it's not gonna blow my mind, but I had a good time watching it and will probably watch it a few more times. I could see sequels being successful too.

I was impressed by the spirit of Diana and how they pulled it off in the film without it ever looking fake or ridiculous. Turns out they used a photorealistic prosthetic suit which also functioned as a green screen suit so they could remove her from the screen when the lights came on. Sandberg wanted to use as little CG as possible and you know I'm all for that.

It's fun...I'm here for it.

9/10 

Stay Spooky!

I am Not a Serial Killer - horror movie realness day two

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER 2016

"The thing about boxes is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.”

John Wayne Cleaver is a 15 year old sociopath who lives by very strict rules that he believes keeps him from becoming a serial killer. He obsesses over serial killers, reading all about them and studying them which causes his school to worry and forces him to get a therapist. He doesn't have any friends except for one kid who he uses to keep him in check and keep him "normal". His mother and aunt work in a morgue and funeral home and they allow John to work down there with them.

The small town they live in begins to experience a spree of murders and when the bodies appear at the morgue, John notices a pattern of missing limbs and organs. He sets out to find the killer while keeping himself in check. 

But what's that black tar like substance found at all the crime scenes? And why has his neighbor started to act strangely?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• Max Records is PERFECT casting and did an absolutely amazing job in this movie. He's the lead and without his success the movie would completely fall apart.
• Christopher Lloyd dominated the screen and played creepy so well. The scene where he arrives at the funeral home and lurks behind John is so intense, "you attacked my wife..."
• The monster reveal at the end was very well done. Much like I pictured it when I read it.

What didn't I love?

• Not much - obviously it's not a thrill ride, edge of your seat kind of deal. It's more of a slow burn.

Overall

I read this book a few months ago and fell in love with it. Although I am not a sociopath by any means, I have more feelings than a normal human should in fact, I related a lot to John. Like him I grew up with a fascination for true crime and was looked upon strangely by friends and family for knowing body counts and serial killers life stories.

The movie does a wonderful job of translating text to screen and really hit the nail on the head when it comes to Crowley. Yes, this is a horror movie, but it's also an emotional story about one creature who has led a long life only to fall in love and realize what is most important. His struggle to live to be with Kay is beautiful. Of course, his way of getting through life is wrong which makes it so tragic. Crowley loved Kay more than anything, "he loved me more than anything in heaven or hell" and it is heartbreaking in his final moments when all he cares about is keeping Kay safe.

The relationship between John and his Mom is also incredibly emotional. She has a son who cannot understand the meaning of love but she loves him unconditionally. She wants what is best for him but also has no idea what is best for him.

It's such an interesting tale of emotion and growth. John is fascinating and I could write a million more words about him but I'll cut it short here.

I understand this movie won't be for everyone. The twist at the end of course takes it in a strange direction, and I think without reading the book first, it might not work so well on screen. But I enjoyed it greatly.

8/10

Okay, it's 6pm and I have two more movies to watch for the day. BUT...I drank a red bull, the couch has been made into a giant blanket fort situation and I have candy. I think I'll accomplish this! Let's do this!

Stay spooky!

Yoga Hosers - horror movie realness day one

YOGA HOSERS 2016

 "The good news is...we're Canadian satanists"

Colleen and Colleen are two teenage best friends who live in Manitoba. They work as clerks in the Eh-2-Zed store and study yoga under Yogi Bayer. After getting invited to a party by two seniors, the girls are devastated to find out they have to work instead.

The boys bring the party to the store where the Colleen's work but turns out they're actually satanists who need to murder a virgin. While Colleen is getting attacked, a one foot tall Nazi made out of bratwurst attacks the senior and kills him. Now the Colleens are defending their store from an army of Bratzi's only to get arrested by the cops. The RCMP believe the girls murdered the seniors, choosing to ignore their real story.

Guy LaPointe arrives and breaks the girls out of jail and the three of them attempt to find proof of the Bratzis.

But what is buried underneath the Eh-2-Zed? And is there any truth to the rumors about the Nazi Andronicus Arcane who disappeared in the 40's?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• The cast is amazing - Adam Brody, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Tony Hale, and Natasha Lyonne.
• The two Colleens are adorable.
• Guy LaPointe wasn't as unbearable as I thought he would be.
• Canadiancorpses.com 
• The different yoga poses are hilarious.

What didn't I love?

• There were a lot more musical numbers than I counted on.
• The Bratzi's were super annoying and not in a fun way.

 Overall?

Alright, look....ya'll know I'm a massive Kevin Smith fan. But I will admit that this movie is nonsense. It's a fever dream. BUT...as a Kevin Smith fan, it was a fun love letter to Smodcast fans. There were so many little easter eggs and jokes that had me cackling. Also Shecky!!!!!!!

Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp are wonderful and I'm so incredibly proud of them. They really nailed their roles and you could feel how much fun they were having.

If I was a teenage girl again I know without a doubt I would love this movie immensely. And I think that's all that matters. Kevin Smith wrote this movie for teenage girls, he wanted them to have two hilarious female Canadian heroes. So really he did exactly what he was setting out to do.

It's goofy, it's over the top, it's cringey but I still enjoyed it.

6/10

Alright, I just want to take a moment to talk about Carrie Fisher who we lost today. It is absolutely devastating and my heart is shattered. Last week she suffered a massive heart attack on a plane home from England. She began to recover but today she didn't make it. She leaves a massive wake behind her and my thoughts go out to her daughter and the rest of her family, to all her many friends, and to Gary.

She made her Broadway debut as a young girl alongside her mother in Irene and made her big screen debut in 1975 in Shampoo. At the age of 19 she landed the iconic role of Princess Leia. She also starred in The Blues Brothers, When Harry Met Sally and The 'Burbs - just to name a few.

Carrie has always been open about her struggles with mental illness and addiction and never shied away from telling the nasty truth. She wrote a one-woman play and memoir called Wishful Drinking that spoke about her addiction. She's gone on to write four novels and helped edit many many scripts throughout her long career.

When I was a young girl, Princess Leia taught me that girls can be heroes too. And when I got older, Carrie Fisher taught me to wear my scars proudly and never back down.

You were a whirlwind Carrie and I love you deeply. Rest in peace. 

Don't Breathe - horror movie realness day one

DON'T BREATHE 2016

"Just 'cause he's blind, don't mean he's a fucking saint bro."

In Detroit, three friends make a small living by breaking into homes and robbing them. Alex's father has a security company so they use the codes and keys stolen from him. Rocky is trying to save up to get her and her sister out of her abysmal situation and move them to California and Money will do anything to help her.

After receiving a tip about an old Army veteran who lives in an abandoned neighborhood with $300K in his house, the three decide to rob him. After staking out the house they realize the man is blind but decide to rob him anyway.

But this Army vet is much more than they think he is and when the robbery goes wrong, they find themselves locked inside of his house fighting desperately for their lives.

But can they still find the money? And what's behind that locked basement door?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?

• AMAZING opening scene. Love a scene like that where it flashes forward and then you just know you're in for a fucking insane ride.
• There's some great scenes that are chilling - when Money finds the Army vet in his bedroom and you get your first good look at him, it was terrifying. The scene in the basement when the lights are out was super intense and gave me some Silence of the Lambs realness. And when Rocky is locked in the car with the dog outside...CUJO YA'LL!
• I like that the blind man is animal like in his movements and the way he turns his head. It gives him a inhuman aspect that makes him more horrifying.

What didn't I love?

• The foreshadowing shots were kind of irritating - there were these dramatic zoom in shots on their shoes or on the hammer and you're like...yeah...I get it...important plot point. It felt like I was being babied and I didn't like it.
• I mean...the turkey baster situation....way to scar me for fucking life. "You're young, you'll breed well." ARE YOU JOKING?! That's fucked upppppppp. But I also kind of loved it?

Overall?

This is one freakin' hell of a ride! Directed by Fede Alvarez, who also directed the Evil Dead remake, and produced by Sam Raimi it stars the amazingly talented Jane Levy (seriously, get this girl more lead roles), Stephen Lang and Dylan Minnette. A perfect cast and a near perfect film.

It's shot so perfectly, I found myself holding my breath and staying incredibly still and then realizing I'm not actually in the movie and forcing myself to relax. It was so intense and well done that I honestly kept forgetting it wasn't really happening.

Rocky is one of my new favorite final girls, she is fucking relentless. And although I found the whole ladybug thing kind of cheesy, I was yelling for this girl to FIGHT. The blind man was incredibly interesting, and although what he's doing is so fucked up, I sort of felt for him ya know? It was interesting to see all the empty spots on the walls where crosses used to hang and hear his comment about how once you accept there is no God, you can do anything. It was a fascinating character study.

And that ending...still undecided. While watching it I was yelling at the screen like WHAAAAAATTTTT but now that I'm thinking about it I'm like...hmmm...maybe not? I mean, I kind of love that he's like our favorite slashers where no matter how many times you stab or shoot them they still manage to survive. But I also read what the original ending was going to be and that would've been pretty fucked up too.

9/10
I'm docking a mark for the turkey baster because I am mentally and emotionally scarred.

And now time to make a bed out of my couch, eat a bunch of candy, and move onto movie three!

Stay spooky!

The Autopsy of Jane Doe - horror movie realness day one

Alright, here we are....day one of the End of Christmas Horror Realness Challenge or whatever I called it while I was on a sugar high the other day. I've just finished the first movie and am completely freaking out because it was actually terrifying...I ACTUALLY GOT SCARED FOR ONCE!!!!!!!

We'll jump right into that but first two important things:

1) There's a new promotional picture released of Pennywise from the upcoming IT movie. There was an accidental release over the weekend but they got rid of that real quick. So here's the actual legit one:

First thoughts?
What are the logistics of this photo? Is he flying? Why does it look like he's about to be shot out of a cannon?
Second thoughts?
Fuck. yes.

And to all those online complaining that Pennywise looks "too much like a clown"....you are dumb and I hate everything about you. Pennywise is a fucking clown and that's why he's scary. He needs to look like a clown. That's the damn point.

IT creeps into theaters September 8th and stars Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise.

2) Christmas Eve night blessed us which something much better than Santa....mother fuckin' alien covenant trailer ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it is absolutely amazing. That face hugger, that final scene in the shower, that creepy ass cover of that song....SO MANY THINGS ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!! I immediately watched it three times in a row, yelled at Mitch about it, and have lost count of how many times I've watch it since. MY BODY IS SO READY FOR THIS MOVIE. And based on the trailer...we will not be let down.



Alright....let's jump into my first movie for the day:

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016)

"Leave the 'why' to the cops and the shrinks, we're just here to find cause of death, no more, no less."

In a small town, cops are called to the house of what appears to be a home invasion. Dead bodies, gore, blood. But no attempt to break in. In fact, it seems as if the home owners were trying to break out. In the basement the cops find the dead body of a young woman coming out of the dirt.

The main coroner in town is Tommy Tilden who runs the Tilden Morgue and Crematorium along with his son, Austin. The morgue has been in their family for generations and is in the basement of their home. The mysterious young woman's body is taken to the morgue and the Sheriff asks them to find cause of death overnight leaving Tommy and Austin to work through the night.

As the father and son begin, they start to discover strange things about this body. The outside shows no sign of damage but internally it is a mess. Her tongue is severed, her wrists and ankles are shattered, and her lungs are burned. As a massive storm rolls in the two men are about uncover something they may never be able to explain.

How did this woman die? And why do the lights keep flickering and the radio changing channels? And what happened to the other bodies in the morgue?

Alright...what did I love about this movie?
First of all...this is the first movie in YEARS that actually scared me. I was screaming, gasping, getting goosebumps and at one point realized I was yelling out loud; WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BODIES?!
Outstanding performances from Emile Hirsch and Brian Cox.
This is an incredibly tense movie and there's one particular build that had me completely on edge to the point of having a heart attack.
Beautifully directed by Andre Ovredal.
Those fucking bells ya'll, I'm forever going to lose my shit when I hear a bell.
The continuous shots of Jane Doe's eyes are so unnerving.

What didn't I love?

• There was this scene where Austin was talking with his girlfriend about leaving the town and his Dad, but it's never really brought up again and I felt that was a sort of forced and pointless moment.

Overall?
Seriously, this is THE movie for this year. It is terrifying. And I do not scare easily. But I was jumping and screaming and losing my mind. I was muttering "no, no, no" every time it go so intense. I was honestly forgetting to breath. When the movie ended my fridge made a weird sound and I screamed out loud. My neighbors are probably quite concerned right now.

This is amazingly directed - every moment is so specific to keep you completely on edge. This is a simple story that works so incredibly well and the atmosphere is perfect.

This is my dream career. Seriously, I've threatened a few times at work to quit and become a mortician. So I really felt a connection to this film. But it also felt so accurate. I love See No Evil 2 but sometimes you're annoyed because you know a lot of what is happening isn't accurate to the job. This movie is gory but feels right for what is going on. It doesn't shy away from the autopsy.

I will aggressively recommend this to anyone who will listen.

A solid 10/10.

Onto the next!

Stay spooky!