I JUST WANT TO BELIEVE

THE X-FILES ARE BACK YA'LL!!!

In case you've been living under a rock for the past year, news flash - we got 6 new episodes of The X-Files. And last Sunday and Monday were the first two episodes.

But let's go back in time a little bit....on September 10th in 1993 a show premiered on Fox about two FBI special agents Fox Mulder, played by David Duchovny, and Dana Scully, played by Gillian Anderson. Fox Mulder, known within the ranks as "spooky Mulder", investigates unsolved cases which involve anything paranormal, known as...you guessed it...the X-Files. Scully is tasked with joining Mulder because she is a strong skeptic and can hopefully bring Mulder back to earth, no pun intended. And over the span of nine seasons and two movies, the magnificent duo investigated everything from aliens to soul eaters to parasitic slugs to spooky twins and so much more.

The X-Files was, and still is, a massive hit that changed pop culture forever. It was positively reviewed pretty much throughout its whole run, the actors and the show won a bunch of awards, and the story lines caused the public to mistrust the government, which was kind of just a bonus. It spawned a spin off show and like I said, two movies, along with a tone of great merchandise.

In March of last year Chris Carter, the creator, announced that a miniseries would begin filming shortly and that both Duchovny and Anderson were on board. Social media went nuts, I cried for about an hour, and everywhere around the world the ICONIC X-Files theme song rang out.

And now here we are, two episodes into our six series arc and I'm reading a lot of bad reviews out there which I think is bullshit. People should just be happy we have the X-Files back and stop pouting like little babies about what they thought the show should've been about.

So here's some positive reviews...and SPOILERS...MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Episode One - My Struggle

"My name is Fox Mulder..." is the start of the episode and I was already screaming. We hear Mulder give us a bit of a monologue to kind of catch us up to modern day, it has been 14 years after all. Mulder is still up to his old conspiracy tricks while Scully is a surgeon, working on children with disfigurements. But the two are reunited by an online webcaster named Tad O'Malley (played by Community's Joel McHale) who drags them out to the middle of nowhere to meet some young lady with holes in her stomach. The girl claims to have been abducted multiple times and had many babies inputted and then removed from her. The agents go their separate ways again, Scully remaining skeptic, Mulder jumping in head first. The episode wraps up with Mulder and Tad O'Malley getting ready to expose a giant conspiracy theory while Scully frowns and side eyes everyone. But instead, Tad O'Malley is shut the fuck down and all the evidence is destroyed, leaving Mulder with nothing. He returns to the FBI and his old office and with the help of Scully, decides to re-open the X-Files. The episodes ends in the most epic way ever with the Cigarette Smoking Man alive, still smoking, but through a hole in his throat, looking off into the distance and saying, "the X-Files have been re-opened". YAS GAWD THEY HAVE!!!

As far as this episode goes, I was confused as hell. I loved every minute of it and it was super thrilling and intense, but it all went way over my head. The conspiracy theory was too complex and complicated and almost too much to be shoved into an hour long episode. But it was so great to have Mulder and Scully back that I didn't really care. And the ending had me so ramped up ya'll, I was LIVING.

Episode Two - Founder's Mutation

This one was MUCH better. It was a one off monster style episode starting out with a doctor working at the headquarters of Nugenics Technology. He keeps hearing this awful high pitched noise and weird voices, he ends up shoving a letter opener right into his brain to stop it and killing himself. Mulder and Scully investigate and become suspicious right away when the Department of Defense basically shuts down the crime scene and forces them to stop investigating. But these two are smarty pants and using every trick in the book they trace it all back to the founder of the organization who is secretly mutilating children and experimenting on pregnant women trying to create some sort of super kids.

I loved every moment of this episode, it was so fun and old school. I loved the super kids with their X-Men like powers, and I was heartbroken when Mulder and Scully reminisced about their own child, William. It was super great and honestly I just can't wait to watch the next four episodes and see where it all goes!!

So that's it! I love the new episodes, I'm just thrilled to have them, I'm emotionally unstable about Mulder and Scully being back together, and I think everyone needs to lower their expectations, chill, and enjoy what we have.

Stay Spooky....the truth is out there!

HORROR MOVIE NEWS OF THE WEEK

But not necessarily "this week" because I'm always behind on this shit when it comes to updating my blog. So let's go with....HORROR MOVIE NEWS I'M SUPER DUPER EXCITED ABOUT!

What child doesn't remember reading Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark? It was like we were finally given really truly scary stories that didn't treat us like babies. I still find myself reading some of the stories now as an adult. And although they don't scare me, I can sit there going, man these were some fucked up things to be reading. Ya'll remember click click slide? That one gave me the major night terrors. And the gorgeous illustrations brought real horrific images to go along with us as we closed our eyes at night. All I want is a bunch of them framed in my home. I could probably manage that if I put a bit of effort into them. I'm going to go hunt down the books on amazon....

Anyway, the reason I'm rambling on about them is because one of my favorite directors of all time who may have also been cursed by a gypsy because he has the worst luck ever (I still believe in you Pacific Rim 2) is working with CBS Films to develop these stories into a film. Guillermo del Toro has once again come to save the day and flip my world upside down.

Guillermo tweeted this great pic the other day confirming the too good to be true news:

"I start development on a film based on a favorite book of youth: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark!"

Thank you, kind Prince, for giving us the horror we deserve.
The books first came out in 1984 and were quickly banned for being "too scary". They were written by Alvin Schwartz and illustrated by Stephen Gammell. They came in a trilogy; Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and Scary Stories 3: The Ghost Dimension (jk...More Tales to Chill Your Bones).

If you read this blog, you know my love for Kevin Smith goes deep and untainted. He can do no wrong in my eyes and I make no apologies for my love for him. So if you feel the need to bitch about Kevin Smith to me, just move along. You'll never change my mind. In fact, me and Mitch are going to ask him to officiate our wedding in the future. That's how much of a Kevin Smith fan I am.

Sundance was this weekend and fat Kev Smith released upon the world (of Utah) his new movie Yoga Hosers. Which is the second film in his True North Trilogy (up next is Moose Jaws). It stars his gorgeous daughter Harley Quinn and Johnny Depp's daughter Lily-Rose Depp. Remember those two cuties? They played clerks in Tusk? Well they've got their own spin off movie. Colleen and Colleen are two teenagers from Winnipeg who get invited to a senior party by the hottest guy at school but the Colleens accidentally uncover an ancient evil buried beneath the convenience store where they work and plans go out the window.

Kev said he wanted to write this movie for 16 year old girls, who needed heroes they could relate to. Which I think is damn sweet. It stars Michael Parks, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment and Genesis Rodriquez who were all in the first movie, Tusk. It also stars Ralph Garman and Tony Hale and many more (including Johnny Depp). Oh, and of course Jason Mewes is in it. Snootch to the booooootch.

We still don't have a trailer, but we do have a clip, and it's over the top goodness that I expect from Kevin Smith. Youtube won't let me embed for some reason so just CLICK HERE

Next up is the very recent news that Fox has ordered a pilot for The Exorcist based on the novel by William Blatty (which I read last year, and if you delve deep enough on here you could probably find a review, but spoiler alert....it was awesome and you should read it). And of course, that book inspired the absolute classic film released in 1973 by the same name.

The one hour pilot will be a modern reinvention (boooooooo....I know) of the book which tells the story of two men facing one horrific demonic possession of a very sweet little girl. The pilot was written by Jeremy Slater who will also executive produce. He was behind The Lazarus Effect.

I don't know how this will work in the hands of Fox, it would be better off with HBO or FX. Weirdly enough, I'm going to watch the new The Omen modernization and use that as judgment for The Exorcist. Which is totally unfair. But I never said it was logical.

And last, but hopefully not least, The Boy was released in theaters on the 22nd and the reviews are mixed but mostly positive so far. I can't wait for it to come to itunes so I can watch it and not have to go outside into society.

The Boy stars the stunningly beautiful Lauren Cohan in a silly sounding story that actually comes off incredibly creepy. Greta takes a job as a nanny in a small English village. Sounds all good, except for the fact that the 8 year old she's babysitting is a life sized doll that the parents treat as a real child. They have a very long and strict list of rules that we know Greta will break one by one and bring a nightmare to life.

Here's the trailer:

To me, it looks like a good, solid horror movie from a big studio. I'm thinking along the lines of Sinister and Insidious. Good old fashioned scares, maybe a twist or two, and one more creepy doll to add to my home when they release the figure to the public.

Alright, that's it for me tonight. I should go help Mitch make dinner because I'm starrrrrving. The X-Files premiered on Sunday night so look out for my review soon.

Stay spooky!!

CANNIBAL UNICORN~~~~

Guys. My life has been changed forever. Last night I watched Deathgasm. WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING MOVIE!!!!!!!!!

Let's talk about this bloody, gory, psychotic, hilarious thrill ride:

DEATHGASM

First of all, thank you New Zealand for consistently putting out gorgeous and amazing horror films and horror comedies. What we do in the Shadows? Easily one of my favorite movies from last year. Housebound? I named my damn blog after it. And now I have Deathgasm to add to my favorites list.

Written and directed by Jason Lei Howden, Deathgasm tells the tale of Brodie (Milo Cawthorne) who has just moved in with his super Christian Aunt and Uncle and his bully of a cousin David. Brodie is a metal head and stands out like a sore thumb in this town. After be-friending two roleplaying misfits, he meets Zakk (James Blake), a fellow metal head in a record shop. The little group start a band called DEATHGASM and discover magical sheet music which may or may not summon real demons.

There's also the female character, Medina (Kimberly Crossman), who is Brodie's love interest. But she holds her own in this film and gets her own bad ass light. Most memorably when she listens to heavy metal for the first time and imagines herself on the top of a mountain rocking out surrounded by beautiful women.

The movie is a joy to watch. The first half of the movie is really just a set up, introducing us to the characters and basically setting up the emotion and anger that Brodie feels, that encourages him to release the demons. It's also absolutely laugh out loud funny with tones of moments and scenes you can quote forever. There's a moment where the boys are told the demon would rise at "Satan's Hour" which is 3 am, to which Zakk responds "eastern or standard time?". I cried with laughter. Or when the group is trying to name their band, and the suggestion Cannibal Unicorn comes up....I mean, I want to name everything that from now on. Oh, have you met my new dog? His name is Cannibal Unicorn.

Not only is it hilarious, it's ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. In the best damn way possible. There's limbs being hacked off, heads being split in half, gallons of blood splattering just every damn way. And there's an entire scene where Brodie and Zakk fight demons with dildos and anal beads. Amazing. The practical effects were astounding, and made me nostalgic for the old classics. It's rare nowadays you watch a horror movie, knowing those effects are all real, and trying to figure out how in the hell they pulled that one off.

I didn't even want the movie to end, I just wanted to keep watching for hours. I can't wait to watch it again. Deathgasm feels like a movie made by a horror fan, for horror fans. No, it's not scary, it's not even creepy, it's just a straight up very well done horror comedy that I believe, could comfortably stand alongside What we do in the Shadows and Shaun of the Dead.

I'm so happy this movie is now in my life. Deathgasm, you are amazing.
10/10
Will aggressively recommend and watch over and over.

Stay spooky!

Let's lift The Veil ya'll (that was so cheesey I'm sorry)

After an absolutely terrible gypsy cursed filled week, I decided today I would watch a tone of horror movies to recover. Browsing through the horror section of itunes this morning I watched a trailer for a movie called The Veil which just came out and which I'd heard nothing of. But it was about a cult, and it starred Lily Rabe which are two of my favorite things so I delved right in.

Tony is keeping me company watching movies today but was not much help after passing out halfway through the first one.

THE VEIL

The Veil, directed by Phil Joanou and released through good old Blumhouse, stars Jessica Alba, Lily Rabe, and Thomas Jane. It was released a few days ago on the 19th through video on demand only.

It's a film that uses real life mixed with documentary aspects, as one of the main characters Maggie (Alba) is filming a documentary about the cult Heaven's Veil, who 30 years ago committed mass suicide. Maggie's father was one of the FBI guys who first encountered the scene and so she has an emotional tie to the tragedy. She seeks out Sarah Hope (Rabe), who at 6 years old was the only surviving person of this horrific event. Maggie, looking through old crime scene photos, discovers that the cult leader Jim Jacobs filmed the whole thing but the tapes have never shown up. With the help of Sarah and the documentary crew, they hope to find the tapes at the scene of the crime - an old piece of farm land.

Originally this movie was supposed to be found footage but thank god the people involved came to their senses and decided against it, citing that found footage had run its course. YAS GAWD.

What I liked about the film.....
Lily Rabe, of course, who is an incredibly talented actress, especially with emotional roles. And this movie was no different. Jessica Alba was also pretty great surprisingly. I adored the creepy sets and the coloring of the film. The ghosts that show up in the film are very realistic and very creepy, only really being shown through a camera lens or on a computer screen. And not in a paranormal activity way.
Thomas Jane's portrayal of the cult leader, while over the top, fit perfectly in with this film. Sometimes it's better to play cult leaders off as very subtle, creepy, but demanding, much like in The Sacrament, but this movie called for an over the top, loud preaching mad man, and Jane pulled that off. 

What I didn't like about the film.....
Can we stop using Jim Jones as inspiration? Feels like every cult themed horror film only uses Jim Jones and his mass suicide as their inspiration for the story. Ya'll know there's a bunch of creepy cults out there? Or idk, come up with your own ideas? I love cults, I think they are absolutely terrifying, and while I'm happy horror is embracing this, I am getting sick of the Jim Jones vibe.
I also felt like the story got a little wrapped up in itself. I found myself getting confused at the end, and in an annoyed way. I just wanted to understand what was going on, but it was just a bunch of scenes without much explanation. But, up until the ending, the movie was pretty fucking terrific.

I mean, I'm not gonna write home about it or anything, but I did enjoy it, and if you're looking for a creepy casual cult themed horror film...go with The Sacrament. Then if you've already watched that one, watch this one! Why not?

7/10

Right, I'm off to watch the next horror film, which I haven't actually decided which one yet, but my itunes wishlist is getting longer and waits for no one.

Stay spooky ya'll!
Here's to a horrific ending (in the best way) to an awful (in the worst way) week!

Satan Lives and what that means for society

Back on track, kind of, with my horror movie list. Last night's choice was the documentary Satan Lives. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT!

Satan Lives is the newest documentary from Banger Films who brought us documentaries like Metal: A Headbanger's Journey and Super Duper Alice Cooper. Now Scot McFadyen and Sam Dunn are traveling from Texas to the Vatican meeting with satanists, exorcists, some believers, some non-believers, extremely educated individuals, and some pop culture icons.


Satan Lives is posing the questions, who is Satan? What is our fascination with him? And how did this get so out of control?

It features a tone of interviews with really fascinating people but let's talk about some of my favorites - first up is Linda Blair, who of course plays Regan in The Exorcist. It was a really eye opening interview for someone who was not around when the movie first came out. When The Exorcist dropped it changed the world in a strange way - all of a sudden everyone believed in demons and possession and a lot of them thought they themselves were possessed. Linda speaks about how even though she was a young girl, she could see that the reporters were asking her questions that no small child would know the answer to. Does the devil exist? How do we deal with him?
The Exorcist also brought around the rise of exorcists. Back in the day the Vatican had something like 30 exorcists and now they've got over 300. Is this because our society is using demonic possession as a scapegoat? Or is it because movies like The Exorcist opened the eyes of the public to the true demons out there?

The documentary also sits down with Fran and Dan Keller who were involved in the "Oak Hill Satanic Ritual Abuse" case. In 1991 Fran and her husband owned a small day care but were accused of sadistically abusing several children. They were sentenced to decades in prison despite lack of trustworthy evidence but were freed in 2013 based on the obvious misconduct by the prosecution and authorities. This happened during the "satanic panic" that spread throughout North America during the 80's and 90's. I'm sure you've all heard of that time, when cops went crazy thinking everyone was involved in some sort of cult and any kind of abuse to a child was absolutely the work of satanists. A lot of innocent people were either jailed, or had their reputation destroyed due to all the crazy allegations flying around during that time.

Fran and Dan were heartbreaking to watch. At one point they showed the two of them the interviews with the two very young children who accused them and it's just so extremely emotional.

Speaking of Satanic Panic, the documentary also talks about the book Michelle Remembers which I had never heard of before and is actually what started the satanic panic. And it happened right next to me in Victoria, BC! This was a book published in 1980 written by a Canadian psychiatrist named Lawrence Pazder and his future wife Michelle Smith, who at the time was his patient. Michelle Remembers was the first book written about satanic ritual abuse and became the template for satanic panic and how everyone saw what satanic rituals and abuse were. The book explains how during many therapy sessions Michelle discovered some repressed memories from her childhood where she was forced into rituals and witnessed murders of babies, animals, and just about every stereotypical satanic thing we know today. Obviously, this book is complete bullshit, investigators have looked into all of these accusations but have never found any evidence of anything like this happening. But it was too late, Michelle Remembers had captured the attention of the world.

The documentary also speaks with Zeena Schreck who is the daughter of Anton LaVey (the creator of the Church of Satan). I'm actually secretly obsessed with Zeena...full disclosure...I find her bizarre and beautiful and nuts and I love her. Zeena is famous for many reasons, but the documentary covers her childhood and how she was the first highly publicized Satanic baptism and also when she became the spokesperson for the Church of Satan during the satanic panic. She speaks openly about growing up in the Church and how it affected her.

Zeena watched as the world became obsessed with Satan and Satanists and felt the need to speak up for the Church of Satan during the 80's and show that these were normal people, not a bunch of psycho killers kidnapping children and murdering cats. Zeena was made the High Priestess and went out into the media to combat this hysteria. She worked alongside government sectors and law enforcement to educate them about the realities of Satanism and what really went on, helping the police to pulls themselves out of this hysteria and stop accusing every 17 year old with long black hair of killing babies.

Zeena has since renounced the Church of Satan and has her own religion which I keep trying to understand but have no idea where to start, and she also is a Tantric Buddhist.

Satan Lives is a fascinating roller coaster ride through the last few decades, taking an unbiased look at the world's obsession with the devil. I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned so many fun new facts. I would love to watch it again and I highly recommend it!

It caused me to take a long hard look at my own beliefs about the Devil and how we, as a society, perceive him to be. I don't believe in God, therefore I don't believe in the Devil. But I am big on ghosts and spirits. I struggle internally a bit because sometimes I believe that demons do exist, but how can I believe in demons if I strongly believe that the Devil doesn't? Usually I just end up thinking perhaps there are just very evil spirits out there that we have demonized? I'm not sure.

What I do know for sure is that society uses the Devil to blame everything on. Bad guys in the middle east? They're the Devil. Serial killers? They're the Devil. And we do this to balance what is good and bad, to help us understand what is evil and what is not. Perhaps society as a whole is not ready to accept that people are just evil, terrible things can happen, the world can fall apart. And it's no one's fault but our own. There is no holy force controlling these things.

/end of personal rant.....ooops.

Anyway,
I loved this documentary and give it a strong 10/10

Stay spooky!

CLOVERFIELD'S BACK YA'LL and other news

Hey everyone,
After a very awful and stressful day where I basically had my entire paycheck taken away from me and now I'm not sure how to get through the next two weeks....let's talk about things that make me happy....HORROR NEWS!

These are my favorite stories right now and what I'm most excited about up and coming so LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

First up, the sequel to The Conjuring, an amazing movie that came out awhile back and features my favorite demon hunters - Ed and Lorraine Warren. Now they're back investigating the Enfield Poltergeist. Which, in real life, they had not a lot to do with, BUT this is mostly fictional so I'm excited nonetheless. Hopefully it's even better than the amazing mini series I spoke about a few entries ago. In 1977 Peggy Hodgson and her four children are haunted by a poltergeist like spirit in their home. And now we have a trailer and some photos!

Bloody Disgusting is also reporting that The Conjuring 2 will open with The Amityville Horror Case which is kind of fucking amazing. Look for it in theaters on June 10th!

Next up is Rob Zombie's 31.
I've talked about this movie a bit over the last year because I'm a big Rob Zombie fan and an even bigger Sherri Moon Zombie fan. The news we have now is that is is officially an R rating....after receiving an NC-17 a few times. And in celebration of that rating, and the upcoming Sundance premier we got a sort of poster/collage type showing us all the great looking characters. I'm so damn stoked to see this bloody, violent film which tells the story of 5 friends who get kidnapped the day before Halloween and get held hostage at a place called Murder World. aka my new home. They have to play a game called 31 which gives them 12 hours to survive against a group of evil clowns.
NOW GIVE ME A TRAILER!

Up next? TNT is reviving Tales From the Crypt and the show's curator is none other than M Night Shamalamadingdong. Obviously everyone is furious and I'm like, guys, please, just give him another chance.
The next bit of news is that Bloody Disgusting reported the new revival won't feature the Crypt Keeper like we remember him, voiced by John Kassir. This is because HBO owns the original one so the new host will be something different, or as Shamalamadingdong puts it "cool and dark" but we can't trust him. The host could've been dead the whole time. OR BE A TREE.

Anyway, reports are saying the new show will be closer to the original comic series. But let's all chill guys, we'll all watch it no matter how bad it is. So lets just get excited!

And last but certainly not least BECAUSE THIS IS THE CRAZIEST BEST NEWS EVER.....

A couple of years ago a movie was spoken about called Valencia which was produced by JJ Abrams and directed by Dan Trachtenberg. But apparently those mother fuckers were being sneaky as hell and Valencia was actually the secret title for 10 Cloverfield Lane. THATS RIGHT YA'LL. WE'RE GETTING A SEQUEL. ALL OUR CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE COMING TRUEEEEE.
Yep, it's been confirmed, it's connected to 2008's amazing film Cloverfield. Abrams said that they wanted to make it a "blood relative" to Cloverfield whatever that means. But when you watch the trailer, at the end when the title appears, Cloverfield shows up first, then 10 and Lane. So err....WHAT ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK.

And this morning we got this trailer dropped on us and NO ONE WAS PREPARED.
omg.
like no one in NYC was prepared when the Cloverfield monster attacked.....

It's headed our way on March 11th and I was not prepared for this in any way and I'm going opening night and screaming about it every damn day until it happens. I CANT STOP YELLING ABOUT IT.

And let's talk about those stars!!! John fucking Goodman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3) and John Gallagher, Jr.


WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? WATCH THE TRAILER!!!!

Alright,
I've calmed down.
I'm going to go enjoy my weekend and try not to cry about my gypsy cursed life.
This weekend I'm also going to try and watch some more horror movies that were on my list, but I also need to watch the Oscar noms because I have no aspirations in life.

Stay spooky!

HORRORBLOCK DECEMBER EDITION

Hey everyone!
Back to work today after vacation and was pleasantly surprised to find a bunch of packages including HORROR BLOCKKKKKK!

So let's unbox and be jealous of my goodies:

First up a Freddy Krueger stuffie! To hang out with my Jason Voorhees stuffie:

A Daryl Dixon Funko POP! key chain which I promptly attached to my Walking Dead satchel:

My new favorite thing ever....a zombie hula girl...she actually dances!

A beautiful print from Paul Hanley depicting Cthulhu fighting Godzilla. And now I need to see this happen on the big screen....Pacific Rim 3 maybe?

And lastly a gorgeous tribute to Wes Craven which made me extremely sad:

And of course it came with the latest issue of Rue Morgue. All in all....a great box and I'm pretty thrilled with every item.
If you also want this subscription every month click here
Again, I am not affiliated with them in any way, I'm just a giant fan.

That's it for me, I'm off to eat some delicious food that Mitch is currently cooking and read my books!

Stay spooky!