Dawning of the age of Manson

I've decided to finally watch some of the newer horror TV shows now that summer is in full swing and I obviously have a lot of time on my hands. First up I watched the pilot for Aquarius:

Aquarius season 1 episode 1

Heard about this agesssss ago and now it's finally premiered! (two months ago, but it's me - always late to the game) A crime drama surrounding Charles Manson and his "family" in the 1960's. Starring David Duchovny as a bit of a grumpy and slightly bewildered detective working alongside his new younger, pot smoking partner played by Grey Damon. Charles Manson himself is played by Gethin Anthony (known for playing Renly on GoT)

The pilot episode really just sets things up for us as an audience. A young girl is taken in by Manson and her real family reports her missing, Duchovny is on the hunt with the help of his partner, a young guy who uses much different tactics to the straight lace Duchovny. The young girl's mother is an ex of Duchovny's character, creating a bit of sexual tension. Oh, and the father is Manson's lawyer - just to make things juicier.

The soundtrack is perfect, the costumes are to die for, while the story is meh. I'll keep watching for sure, no point in giving up after one episode (unless it was really awful), but it has already been renewed for a season two which doesn't give me much hope. I'm getting flashbacks of The Following.

Up next:
Wayard Pines episode 1
The Strain season 1 episode 1
Hannibal season 3 episode 1


In other news -
Dreadit pointed out that you can see which horror movies were released the year you were born. Apparently mine was the year of the terrible sequels to the sequels to the sequels:

1989

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland

Amazing.

And lastly, you can now purchase Jason and Freddy lawn gnomes and everything is right with the world. At only $23 a piece you can have Freddy vs Jason reenactments on your lawn and scare the fuck out of the raccoons (and your landlady).
Order Freddy here and get Jason here

something old, something new

I have felt like a giant bag of garbage all week so far and it's only Wednesday. But you know what cures that? Wrapping yourself up in a blanket burrito and watching horror movies. Cause yeah, you may feel like shit, maybe you're hella tired from feeling so sick, but at least you're not being chased by a chainsaw or developed some psycho STD that tracks you down to kill you.

Life's rough. But it could always be worse. So first up on my night of horror to make myself feel better is:

It Follows

Welp. Did not live up to the hype. Sorry guys. I did enjoy it and I will watch it again in time but I just found it more "indie" than "horror". I loved the concept but it felt a little silly in some of the confrontation scenes when only Jay can see "it" and the others are just watching things fly around wildly. And the ending felt a little too open ended and not in the good way. I liked the different forms that "it" took and found it quite creepy in some scenes. But I didn't love this movie. Like fall in love and aggressively recommend. It just felt like, oh okay, I see what you're doing and I get it but you haven't sold me. I did enjoy the dream like quality of the whole thing though.

What I did really enjoy was all the little Halloween references. The opening shot alone I had a moment where I was like did I put on Halloween instead? And the scene when Jay is in class and looks out the window to see "it" walking towards her. Loved that. I love when horror movies give little nods to the classics.

I would say the first half hour was right up my alley and then I lost heart. I do love when horror movies have rules like this one - sleep with someone else to pass it on, don't die or it comes after me, always find somewhere that has two exits etc but it just wasn't enough for me.

Watch the trailer here

Overall I'm going with 6/10 but am willing to do another rewatch in awhile with an open mind. If anything, all this movie made me wanna do was watch Halloween. So just go watch Halloween, you'll be better off.

gif credit

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

A classic. Show me one person who hasn't at least heard of this movie? This movie is such a stepping stone in our horror legacy and I could honestly talk about it for hours. And attempt to quite often. Such a rich piece of history with a back story of how it was made just as interesting as the movie itself. And since we now for sure have our prequel happening which I am holding no judgment until I start to find out more, it's only fitting to revisit where it all began - in 1973, in backwoods Texas, with one hell of a fucked up family, and a dinner scene that traumatized a generation.

While re-watching I completely forgot how annoying Franklin gets. Like, bud, you're a fifth wheel in a wheel chair, what did you think was going to happen? And I love how leatherface never skips a beat. Two random people show up in your house? On it. Where's my chainsaw?
I was also reminded why you should never pick up hitchhikers because they may just pull a knife out of their boot and cut you for no goddamn reason. And lastly I noticed - if I was single and left to my own devices I think my house would end up like the house in this movie - wind chimes made out of bones, chicken feathers, chainsaws etc and like, I'm not positive, but probably without the redneck crazy family.

If you haven't seen this film, you're in for a treat, and I beg you to drop everything and go watch it right now. Check out the original trailer here and get ready to spend the rest of your life panicking whenever you hear that sharp whine.

Always a solid 10/10

Also happy tenth anniversary The Devil's Rejects!!

(also I posted this on Thursday but wrote it on Wednesday so deal with it)
(AHAHAH totally forgot to post this. I'm the worst. Posting it on a Sunday cause that's how this is happening apparently) 

Creep - a break down - and ten reasons i hate aaron

I watched Creep! Let's talk about it!

Creep, originally titled Peachfuzz, is a movie from 2014 directed by Patrick Brice, written by Brice himself and Mark Duplass. It also stars the two guys. Duplass has been in a lot of great movies including Safety Not Guaranteed and The Lazarus Effect.

Total random pick on Netflix, knew nothing about it, just liked the synopsis. Let's break it down -

SPOILERS AHEAD

Starts out with a man named Aaron responding to some sort of ad in the middle of a small mountain town. But let's just take a moment here though to talk about how WE SHOULD NEVER RESPOND TO MYSTERIOUS ADS. Ya'll need to have a come to jesus moment. Stop answering sketchy ads on craiglist cause ya'll gonna get murdered. The internet is a great and wonderful place. Especially for catfishing and murdering people.

Aaron arrives at the house to find no one. But soon after the man who wrote the ad, Josef, shows up and seems hella friendly. But like creepy friendly. But like also I think anyone who is really friendly is creepy because humans make me uncomfortable. So I'm not the best judge of character.

Turns out Josef has a brain tumor and only has three months to live. So he has asked Aaron to film him all day so that Josef's unborn son (Joseph calls him Buddy) can have a memory of his father after Josef dies. Makes sense. I'm feelin' that.

This is when things get weird. Not only is Josef super friendly, creepily so, he's also a hugger. Which I despise. I seriously would've been out of there in 5 minutes. BUT Aaron is obviously more socially concious than me so he sticks arond. Josef immediately hops into the tub naked and starts to explain to Buddy how Josef and his father used to have "Tubbies".

Tubbies - Taking a bath with your dad which seems totally normal but probably isn't.

Using a wash cloth which he pretends is Buddy, Josef reenacts a "tubby'. Creepy shit. Also doesn't make any sense. If Buddy is watching this I'm guessing he'd have to be at a certain age where he could understand what was happening - which means he is waaaay too old for a tubby. Josef also pretends to drown himself and then appologizes for his weird sense of humor. Which i get on a spiritual level.

Then he has this weird moment where he gets extremely depressed about how he's going to die, while lying in a tub surrounded by candles...naked. Poor Aaron.

The two men decide it's time to head outside and after a bizarre dance and song from Josef while wearing a wolf mask, they continue on. They trek into the woods to find the myth of the healing waters but Josef, true to character, decides to run off and then jump out and scare the shit out of Aaron and proceeds to tell him he just felt his first near death experience.

Josef you are crazy mother fucker. And I'm starting to like you.

There's an interesting moment where Josef asks, "When you saw that axe outside my house, was there a small part of you that thought I'd kill you?" he says with a shit eating grin. And you just get this small glimpse into this complex character where he's simultaneously asking this question honestly but also to fuck with Aaron.

They find the Healing Waters and have a small moment of tranquility where the two of them get along and enjoy themselves in the water. It's almost more bizarre than the weird parts of the film. It shows how no matter how weird and off someone may be, if you find something small in common, or experience something slightly profound together, it creates a strange bond. And I think this moment of tranquility guides all of Aaron's actions going forward. Humanity is weird.

After a pancake meal and sharing of "shame" stories which Aaron takes seriously and Josef gets weird about (seeing a trend here), they head back to Josef's house. It's getting late, Aaron is trying to leave but Josef, with his strange charm manages to convince Aaron to stay for a drink.

And now things start to unravel - Aaron continues to try to leave, Josef steals his keys, Josef shares a horrifying story about his wife looking at animal porn, to which he decides to break into her bedroom wearing a wolf mask and rape her....

Aaron, to his credit, is pretty calm still but starting to freak. To get out of this increasingly alarming situation he drugs Josef with some Benadryl. Josef passes out and his cell phone rings. Aaron answers to find Josef's wife on the phone, Angela. She tells Aaron in a very bored and annoyed voice to get out of the house immediately, which is probably how I would sound too if my husband was a serial killer. So exhausting.

BUT WAIT PLOT TWIST

Angela is Josef's sister, not his wife. Which....duh. Josef is clearly a liar if you've been paying attention. But now this mother fucker, instead of hanging up the phone and running out of that damn house - decides to go look for Josef, who is no longer sleeping where he left him. HE GOES LOOKING FOR HIM. This is the defining moment of my strong belief that Aaron deserves everything that's coming for him.

Idiot.

Our time in the house ends when Aaron finds Josef in a wolf mask. Oh, also he's growling. And gyrating. He attacks Aaron and the camera goes black.

But next Aaron is safe and at home and tells us that Josef let him leave but has since videotaped himself dragging three garbage bags up a hill and then digging a giant hole. Which means, Josef knows where Aaron lives.

But Aaron, continuing to be an idiot, does nothing but throw the tape in the garbage. WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE POLICE AARON. WHY???? YOU HAVE HOURS OF PROOF THAT THIS MAN IS CRAZY.

Aaaron then receives a box and during an un-boxing video we find out inside is a knife, a stuffed wolf and a DVD. The DVD is Josef apologizing for the previous video and encouraging Aaron to release his inner wolf by cutting open the stuffed wolf. Because duh. Inside is a locket with a picture of Aaron and a picture of Josef. And let me just say, my boyfriend has never bought me jewelry so Aaron should at least be a little flattered.
But instead Aaron finally does what he should've done the night he left Josef's place - he calls the cops.

Who do nothing.

Because it's a horror movie and I need to lower my expectations of logic. But in the police's defense, Aaron did not give a very convincing argument.

Next Aaron wakes up from a nightmare to hear a noise outside his house. He panics and runs around looking for the noise (we've all been there - mine is usually every other night) while we see Josef standing at the door looking in. Aaron then goes outside, to just reaffirm the idea that he's a total idiot.

We then see Aaron sleeping while Josef cuts hair from his head. But apparently Aaron doesn't re-watch his footage, because the next day he's freaked out that there's a DVD sitting in his window. Instead of being freaked out that he caught Josef on tape CUTTING HIS HAIR.

The DVD is Josef's last communication. He asks Aaron to meet him the next day so that he can apologize in person and so they can get some closure together. And I'm getting flashbacks from a really bad breakup 6 years ago. 

And in case I hadn't convinced you that Aaron is an idiot just yet........he decides to meet up with Josef. Clearly he has not watched enough episodes of Dateline in his life.

Aaron arrives to the meeting place, convinced he's fine because not only is he taping the whole thing, he has 911 on speed dial. But lbr, what will that accomplish? If Josef is coming at you with an axe, he's not going to wait 15-20 minutes for the cops to show up. 

Speaking of an axe - that's exactly what Josef brings. Wearing a wolf mask, he sneaks up behind Aaron and chops him right in the head.

And you know what Aaron, you deserved it, I'm sorry but literally every move you made in this film was wrong. You are the worst.

So finally it cuts to Josef watching the footage of him murdering Aaron. He speaks about how Aaron never turned around, which shows that Aaron trusted Josef. But mostly shows that Aaron is an idiot. Josef then drops the bomb that he "loves Aaron the best of all of them." Oh Josef, you crazy son of a bitch.

And so it comes to a close. Josef's cell phone rings, he answers with his new name, Bill, and confirms the visit of another sad schmuck who hasn't learned that answering ads on cragislist is a dumb idea. He then places the tape of Aaron's murder into a cupboard filled with a whoooooole lot more tapes.

So we've come full circle.

Amazing.

END OF SPOILERS

I absolutely adored this movie. It was a super fun ride, really quick, super impressive. The fact that there's only two cast members who carry the entire movie yet pull it off flawlessly. I already want to watch it again and I'm definitely going to aggressively recommend it. 

10/10 (except for Aaron, he gets 1/10)

In other news, I have a sunburn - which proves I went outside! It's also Friday night which means I have no pants on and am going to watch horror movies allllllll night long baby yeaaaah. Mitch gets home on Sunday and I will return to sanity.

Horror Movie Monday - The Canal Review

I watched The Canal! Let's talk about it!

This has been on my watch list for awhile now after randomly discovering the trailer and losing my mind that I'd never heard of it before. Finally a year later, Netflix got it, and I watched the shit out of it on Monday night.

The Canal is an Irish horror film which only meant that I needed subtitles on. Written and directed by Ivan Kavanagh and starring Rupert Evans - neither of which I had heard of before this. Evans' character David moves into a new home with his pregnant wife, we skip forward a few years, now he has a young son and his wife is a hussy.

The beautiful little house he lives in has a canal behind it and the house itself is 100 years old. So obviously spooky shit goes down.

SPOILERS FOR THE FILM IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT

The story really begins the night David witnesses his wife having an affair with a guy who looks vaguely like Khal Drogo if you squint. David runs as most people do in films when they see their significant other having an affair (which btw....I would not do. I would storm in there and create THE most dramatic scene I possibly could. It would be incredibly satisfying and I would hope to flip at least one table) down the path by the canal, he then starts to profusely vomit and runs into the creepy public toilet.

But he's not alone in the toilet. A spooky looking man, who we can only assume is a ghost based on his weirdo body movements, whispers something into David's ear, which makes him vomit more (fair enough - I'm not entirely sure ghosts would have good smelling breath) and then he stumbles home.

PANIC! His hussy wife doesn't come home that night, or the next morning, or the next day. So obviously we're all gonna assume gurl got hella murdered.

In comes the detective who I feel on a spiritual level when he constantly suffers from acid reflux and suspicion in general. He straight up tells David that he knows David murdered his wife and he's basically just going to try and prove it. Perfect timing - that's when the police find the wife's body in the canal.

Then things slowly start to unravel. David's sanity starts to crack and he starts to see ghosts around the home, he becomes convinced that a ghost murdered his wife - even after the coroner determines the death an accident. He delves into researching the house (as an archivist, this is super easy for him) and discovers that for a 100 years this little house has got one hell of a past. From multiple violent murders to some satanic rituals, ya know - the usual. (also this is my dream - move into a house - weird shit happens - investigate history of the house - BOOM SATAN WAS RAISED HERE)

Everyone around him is starting to get scared of him as he's acting a little cray cray. And after locking the Nanny in the closet after he's convinced a ghost tried to rape her (bear with me here) the police get involved again. Now they're keeping a verrrry close eye on him.

One of my favorite things about this movie (and this may just be my experience with the film) was that I really trusted David. All the way 'till the end I really did believe his ghost theory and the evidence he uncovers is extremely convincing.

The second favorite thing is when David discovers that by using a very old film camera to film parts of his house and the canal, he picks up ghosts on film. These lead to some of the absolute creepiest moments of the film.

So finally, after what feels like an hour of ramping up to this one moment, David's coworker comes by and he shows her the ghost footage. In a clever little trick, the film maker shows you what David sees...then shortly after shows you what the coworker sees....which is David murdering her (so technically she doesn't see much, she's too busy choking to death). Then everything speeds up extremely as David, trying to escape from the police, runs through the tunnels underneath his house which lead to the canal and starts to realize he was the murderer all along. He murdered his wife, he tried to hurt the Nanny, and he murdered his coworker.

He drowns in the canal but his son survives this whole ordeal. The Grandma takes the son into her care and puts the house up for sale but before leaving for his Grandma's house the boy needs to grab his dinosaur book from the house because dinosaurs. When inside the house by himself he hears David talking to him from the walls, David whispers something into the kid's ear and then the kid leaves the house WITHOUT THE DINOSAUR BOOK. The goddamn nerve.

In a shock induced ending, the little boy is in the back seat of his Grandma's car as they drive away from the cursed home. Until, psyche, the little boy opens the door and throws himself out of the car to his death. CREDITS.

END OF SPOILERS (also basically the end of the blog post sooooooo)

The movie did feel a little long? Might just be me. But I remember near the end I actually paused it just to see how much was left.

I really enjoyed the creep factor, the ghosties, the camera footage, and I loved the "shock" ending. But when David starts to lose his sanity a little, things drag on quite a bit. WE GET IT DAVID, you're seeing ghosts, lets wrap things up.

I would recommend it for sure. But I would recommend it only if you were in the mood for a slower build horror film with a lot of story and almost no jump scares. It's more the imagery and the story that haunt you when it's all over.

7/10

Ash vs Cooties vs Red Dragon (it's pronounced Fronkonsteen)

Another year, another San Diego Comic Con I am not attending. Alas, I spent the weekend lying on the couch binge watching Glee and Happy Endings. My life gets reallllll light hearted comedy sometimes ya'll.
But, while making sure I roll over every few hours on the couch to avoid bed sores, I have been following along with the many updates pouring out of Comic Con. And there are MANY things to get rowdy about...

• Margot Robbie's already obviously flawless performance as Harley Quinn
• Suicide Squad in general (sorry B v S, no one currr)
• THE STAR WARS PANEL
• The Star Wars behind the scenes reel (IS THIS EVEN REEL IDEK IM DEAD)
• Harrison Ford
• Nerdist presents Comic Con the musical
• Amazing cosplay
• Deadpool
• I mentioned Star Wars right?

BUT
On the horror spectrum, we got some great news coming out between the cracks, so let's talk about it:

First up

Victor Frankenstein! A new Frankenstein movie that doesn't include the old school Frankenstein monster and can make everyone forget about the travesty that was I, Frankenstein. I mean, really, WHAT WAS THAT?! Daniel Radcliffe and the director Paul McGuigan sat down with Jessica Chobot at the Conival and shared a few tid bits about the movie. Most importantly....there will be more than one monster!! Radcliffe also shares about his experience working as a character with a disfigurement. You can check out the panel here .
Victor Frankenstein stars James McAvoy as Frankenstein, and Daniel Radcliffe as Victor Igor. Written by Max Landis, the movie is told from Igor's perspective and watches the transformation of Victor into the mad scientist we lost along the way in film history. It's released on November 25th of this year.

(never forget)

We also got more details on Crimson Peak, and apparently they had a super cool virtual reality tour of the house. Which, btw, they built specifically for this film with working elevators!! Guillermo del Toro can literally do no wrong, you sweet horror loving prince. He also sat down with the Nerdist podcast which hopefully we can hear soon. Also, Guillermo announced he would be turning his movie into a maze at this years Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood. So ima need someone to film a walk through please and thanks.
Crimson Peak is a "gothic romance horror" set in a creepy ass mansion in England during the 19th century. It has an amazing cast including Tom Hiddleston, Jessica Chastain, and Charlie Hunnam.
Check out the trailer here

Next up we got lots of goodies for a movie I am incredibly excited about.....my alter ego; KRAMPUS!!!
This is billed as a horror comedy all about the horrifying story of Krampus, a german folk lore about a demon like figure that goes after children who have been bad. And instead of pulling toys out of his sack for them, he puts them in it.

He's the best.
Krampus was all set up at Comic Con giving us a little glimpse of what Krampus could possibly look like. You can view the images here
The movie stars an amazing cast including Adam Scott and Allison Tolman. It will be released on December 4th.

This weekend was also all about the boomstick baby! That's right, I'm talking about Ash vs Evil Dead - the new series hitting Starz on Halloween this year. We got a trailer, we got a panel, we got a tone of images.
Basically it was a great weekend to be Ash.
And you know, I think we're in good hands here. The trailer was the perfect amount of humor, ridiculousness, creepy images, and SO MUCH GORE. YES BITCH. Once I'd finished the trailer I had to pinch myself to make sure I hadn't just had a fan dream. I'm not even going to bother to explain what this show is about. I mean, the title kind of tips you off?
Also, side note, if you ever get a chance to see Bruce Campbell in person, please fucking do it. I went to his panel two years ago here at the Vancouver Fan Expo and I peed a tiny bit from laughing so damn hard. That man is an entertainer and a charmer to the utmost.
Bloody Disgusting posted the entire panel here
And you can watch the trailer here
(side note - i just stopped typing to watch the trailer again, it's perfect)

credit

Obviously, we were all deeply saddened when we learned of Hannibal not being renewed after their third season. But honestly, I'm shocked we got this far. That show is just too niche I think, and those crime scenes.....every single one I just sit there yelling HOW WAS THIS ALLOWED ON TV THIS IS AMAZING. I'm looking at you - eye collage of dead bodies. But, we can thank our lucky stars that at least we have a season three and the return to film of one of my personal favorite evil fictional characters of all time - Francis Dolarhyde aka the tooth fairy aka the red dragon.
And he's played by Richard Armitage which is going to give me some weird Thorin/Dolarhyde fantasies that I am not ready for.
So while Amazon and Netflix passed on bringing Hannibal back to life, during Comic Con we were told there could be a possible movie. Showrunner Bryan Fuller revealed that a movie isn't exactly out of the cards. "We're looking at the possibility of a feature".
And that's all we need to keep on believing in Hannibal.
They also released a trailer sharing A LOT more of Richard's portrayal of Dolarhyde and my body is ready. (seriously....this thing is 6 minutes long) ALSO ZACHARY QUINTO!!!!!!!!!!! EYEBROWS!!!!!!!!
Check it out here

And last but not least, Cooties was screened for some lucky attendees of comic con and I was super jealous. A new horror zombie comedy that speaks to my soul as not only is it children zombies...but they contact the virus by eating tainted chicken nuggets.
Like
Did I write this script and not remember?
The film stars Elijah Wood, Jack McBrayer and marks the return to horror of Rainn Wilson.
Check out the trailer here
And watch Elijah Wood's ten minute panel when he sits down with Chris Hardwick at Conival and talks about Cooties and horror movies in general. Check that out here

Alright,
That's it from me. I'm still trying to re-brand here, as if anyone notices, but that's why I'm not updating as much. Also I went through a horror movie dry spell. But I'm back on track. Mitch leaves for Edmonton tomorrow and I have a week to occupy myself which means horror movies all night long while camping out on the couch. I live wild, I know.