Anyway,
I've been debating about fan expo next year and cosplaying. Cosplay is such a vital part of geekdom and a great place for creativity to run wild. I am not creative when it comes to that kind of thing. I failed my sewing class in jr. high and now I have a fear of sewing machines. Also the thought of the attention to detail really just makes me tired. BUT I love cosplay, I watch in awe as cosplayers parade by looking wonderful and I spend hours on cosplay sites just admiring the talent and creativity of our community. And considering I get asked a lot if i'm cosplaying anyway, I might as well just do it? (side note guys; just because my hair is hella long...doesn't mean I'm dressed as anything except someone who is too poor to afford a hair cut)
So for the past few years my excuse has purely been: I can't sew therefore I can't cosplay.
But today as I surfed sites looking for costumes that I could wear with minimal creative effort on my end, but still be a part of it, I realized I was kidding myself.
My cosplay fear does not stem from a lack of talent wielding a needle. It comes from massively low self esteem and the many issues that come along with that. I despise being the center of attention - I'm more of a stand off to the side and throw out snarky comments type. I hate birthdays, I hate being embarrassed, I hate having to talk to more than two people at once. The thought of getting married in front of more than two other people seems really over the top. It's all extremely overwhelming and I'd rather float around invisible in the background and observe everything than participate.
Which leads to the fact that when you cosplay, people look at you, because duh...you're dressed up as something. Which leads to my stomach flip flopping, which leads to me nervous vomiting, turning bright red, mumbling gibberish and then laying on the floor.
Low self esteem is a crippling issue that controls your every day. You are constantly questioning yourself and putting yourself down and no matter how much people tell you, you truly believe you are lower than everyone else and deserve nothing. In my late teens and early twenties I was thin, most of it was due to a high intake of vodka, a constant battle with an eating disorder, and depression, but I was a lot smaller than I am now. When I look back at photos of me then I get so upset because I just think, damn girl...you had it going on. But back then I had the same low self esteem, I still wanted to be invisible. Then I went on antidepressents and turned 23 and started gaining weight. I managed to control and fix my mental issues but my weight slipped through my fingers.
But what I realize now is, if I wasn't happy in a size 4, and I'm not happy now in a size 6....when am I happy with myself? And if I dieted and excercized and became a size 2...would I be happy?
No. I wouldn't.
Because low self esteem doesn't give a fuck what you look like, it just loves to hate. *insert shake it off.mp3*
But sometimes I think, hey girl, you ain't bad, you got this. I look in the mirror and I think, who cares if you're ten pounds "overweight" (according to myself), you look amazing and I'm diggin' it. And that's self confidence. Because it doesn't matter what size of pants I fit in, all that matters is that I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
My theory is that if I can cosplay and go out in public to fan expo next year wearing a costume and not have a panic attack....then I can nip this problem in the bud. But will it be that easy? Probably not.
If I can go day to day feeling like YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL UNICORN to PLEASE NEVER EAT AGAIN, does it really go away that easily? Or is this a never ending fight with myself that I probably can't win?
Cosplay is kind of the perfect environment to fall into with this because people of all shapes and sizes cosplay and it's a pretty damn safe environment overall. And I'm not even looking for validation from others, I'm looking for validation from myself. I just want to go through life wearing my clothes regardless of what size they are and not feel like I have to constantly mentally apologize to everyone around me for being a "fat slob". And I would love to stop comparing myself to other women because hello? That's SO unfair not only to me, but to them. But again, I need validation from myself and I'm not getting it.
And I could totally bring into this internal battle the defense of WELL SOCIETY HAS SUCH ABSURD EXPECTATIONS ETC ETC
But living in the geek world, you kind of just ignore those expectations anyway because errr...I'm way too busy watching Tabletop to pay attention to US Weekly (except the crosswords, I rock those crosswords).
The one thing I will say though...something I've started to notice a lot...the girl faces of geekdom? They're all very good looking and thin. And I'm not saying they don't deserve to be the face of geekdom, they're all hella geeky and wonderful and I love them all and look up to them. But it also kind of feels like mainstream expectations are flooding into our geekdom world? The girls who grace the youtube videos of geek and sundry, DC, Marvel, Nerdist etc etc...they're all thin and good looking. And I'm sitting here like...I can't even be myself in geekdom? Because I don't feel comfortable wearing a spandex blackmilk R2D2 bathing suit?
And please don't take this as me complaining because I can't use geekdom as an excuse to eat five pizzas and drink 10 liters of coke. It's more of a.....
Let's just say that the guys who grace geekdom with their faces come in all shapes and sizes, but to be allowed to take a platform in all things geeky as a woman...you still have to be a size 2.
This is probably the part where Stan Lee swoops in and equips me with a cape and some knee high boots and says BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE etc etc WITH GREAT POWER AND WHAT NOT etc etc
Maybe I could be the change? It's not that hard to make videos about exciting new things and blog about movies and how Tomb Raider rules everything around me. And give a fresh, normal sized face to the geekdom world.
But then self esteem shows up and is like
nah, bitch.
